Mom Choices

Two young mothers that I care about a great deal are going back to work today.  Both gave birth to precious little girls on the same day just over 12 weeks ago.  Both are a bit apprehensive about some things today, but both are also very determined, confident and bright women who are making the choice to continue their careers.  I have told them both, they are setting great examples for their daughters.  I'm not sure they realize that what I'm saying is not that they are making this particular choice, but that they are doing so with convictions and confidence, so ultimately, this is the best choice for them and their families.  Their daughters will see that.

When I was growing up, most moms were still at home.  A few were career minded, some were working outside their homes due to financial necessity, but many were stay at home moms.  The examples that were in my life were varied. 

Women of our generation had a lot to learn about how this choice is different for each individual and family.  As I was in my young motherhood days, women who decided to pursue careers, looked down upon the women who chose to suspend those careers to raise their young children.  The working moms felt the stay at home moms were selling themselves short.  Sacrificing a piece of themselves for their children and families.  Succumbing to the male oriented society.  The stay at home moms looked down upon the working moms as neglecting their family's needs.  Being selfish, if you will.  We were all wrong to do that to each other. 

Around this time, I read an article in a magazine on this very subject.  I don't always believe everything I read, but when something I read makes sense, especially when I can see real evidence that it makes sense, I have to agree with it. The article started by reminding us women to be supportive of each other and our choices.  We have enough things out there fighting against us, we don't need to be fighting each other.  It went on to say that whatever YOU choose for yourself, if you are okay with it and at peace with it, then that will trickle down through your family.  Your children will be okay with it, too.  Wow, that really hit home.  You see, as a child I observed someone who worked outside their home, but they were not happy doing so.  They were among the financial necessity group.  I am so sorry for people who are in this category, but as the saying goes, what happens to you is not something you can control, how you react to it is. This particular person was miserable.  I can't think of any other word to describe it.  And her family, especially her daughter, was miserable, too.  The guilt went in 2 different directions. One of my best friends was a career person.  She and her husband both had busy and full time careers, and they both traveled on their jobs as well.  They could coordinate their travel dates.  This friend's children are 2 of the brightest and happiest, well adjusted, easy going young people I know.  Always have been.  She was comfortable with her choice and it trickled down. 
When I was growing up, the lady across the street from our house ran a home day care.  I doubt that she had all the documentation that is now required to do that, but all those children were happy and well taken care of.  I never heard her raise her voice to any of them and I never saw any signs of any of them disrespecting her.  A lot of people would have not considered that she had a "career" or full time job.  But she had one of the most important ones I have ever witnessed, and she was exemplary at doing it. I also had a ring side seat to another woman who was a stay at home mom.  She relished and loved her position.  She tried to work part time for a friend once, but that didn't last long.  She was happy at home.  Her children were well adjusted and happy, too.  Her attitude trickled down.

Jack and I always planned for me to stay at home with little ones, if we could.  Maybe my thoughts about this were from the examples I saw growing up, but it really is what I wanted to do.  Thankfully, we could and I did.  I never regretted one minute of that. I felt very blessed to be able to do that.  Even, as I indicated above, this was a time when stay at home moms of my generation were made to feel they were less than they could/should be.  If we were at an office gathering with our hubbies, and someone asked "what do you do?", we were supposed to be almost ashamed to say we were stay at home moms.  We'd be looked upon as less of a person among the corporate world.  Not this girl.  I remember being asked that by someone in that situation.  I proudly looked them in the eye and said "I'm the mom!"  Then went on to explain that we had a 2 year old little boy and he keeps my very busy.  I remember their admiration in my answer.  Not because of what I was, but because of my attitude around it. I loved my choice.  I knew those days with little AJ would be fleeting.  But, that is not, and it shouldn't be everyone's choice.  

The women of my generation were more and more choosing to pursue careers along with raising their families.  It was my generation that worked out the details and therefore provided the benefits that this generation now gets to take advantage of.  For one thing, I think we really did stop judging each other.  At least I sure hope we have.  There were also, not as many day care facilities 30-40 years ago.  Not as many options. And certainly no way to log in and watch a video of their day.  No photos were texted to you. We paved the way for a lot of changes in the workplace for parents. I think today's employers even recognize that a dad may need to take some time off for their children.  We'd never heard of paternity leave, and maternity leave was only about 4-6 weeks.  Now thanks to companies honoring new dads with paternity leave and new moms with the Family Medical Leave Act, parents can stay home with their infants longer.  There have been many changes to the workplace, but many more need to come.  Before AJ was born, I worked at an office that would penalize people for taking too much time off.  One woman I worked with had 4 children and her husband could not take off when they were sick.  It was up to her.  And she missed out on pay raises because of it.  I'm sure that still goes on, but not as much as back then.  Mothers should never have to make a choice between a sick child and their jobs.  Neither should dads. 

When the time came for me to choose going back to work, AJ was 8 years old.  He was heading to 3rd grade.  For his K-2 years, I was an active parent volunteer in his school.  Room mom, computer mom, even PTA jobs including President.  I enjoyed the freedom of time to do those things. But, then a job opportunity came up at his school and I took it.  I was still able to remain an active parent volunteer in the schools. My hours were also great as I could come and go with the school time schedule and I was able to have most of my summer days off with him.  The days we had teacher workshops or workdays, Jack could schedule those days off and stay with AJ.  We made it work.  With my background and skills I could have probably gone into downtown Atlanta for a job and made 3-4 times what I made working for the school system.  But I felt this gave me the best of both worlds.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  But, that was my choice.  It may not be everyone's.  One thing that may have factored in was that I didn't have the village around me.  No grandma down the road to drop off a sick child.  When AJ was sick I was home with him. In our transient world, I think a lot of people are in that place. Fortunately one thing I found within school systems is they really understand that you may have a sick kid and you may have to stay home with them. They don't want them at school like that and if you are the only option, then stay home.  No guilt.  No penalties. 

I am so proud of the 2 young mama's in my life that are making the choice that is best for them and their families. Their choice to work outside the home or not, will not influence their daughters as much as their attitude and confidence in their choice. They are both wonderful in that regard.  They will have adjustments, but, they also have terrific men in their lives to help work out those adjustments. These little girls will see the example of a strong, self assured woman, and they will learn to be one themselves.  They will see dad's that support their wives as true co-parents and true life partners and will realize they should expect nothing less from their future partners.  They will learn that love, teamwork, trust, compromise, support of each other and balancing it all through the bumps and victories - is what makes a marriage.  It's what makes a family.

These are two very lucky and very blessed little girls. 

Babbling Blog

It seems I start every new blog apologizing for not blogging more often. Even though I have a few friends and family that seem to enjoy this, I'm sure you all have other things to fill your time between my blogging. This may be the last time I apologize for too much time in between. 

There is not too much time between my thoughts, though, I assure you.  I have many things that I think about throughout the day. But, some of them would have you carting me off to the looney bin.  Some are my political opinions and I promised never to bring that to this blog.  Oh... so tempted though.

One thing that came up the other day was this.  I realized that the metaphor- put on your own oxygen mask first and the question- is the glass half full or half empty are basically saying the same thing. But only when you realize, you can refill the glass.

We all have other people and other things to take care of.  Husbands, children, family, our homes, grocery shopping, bill paying, personal correspondence, community events and service, elderly parents, writing a blog, etc.  We give a lot of ourselves to other people and other causes.  But, we have to take care of ourselves first. We must remember to put our oxygen mask on first and/or refill our glass.  When we fill up with things we enjoy, whether that is a long walk, a hot bath, a bit of retail therapy, just watching an afternoon movie; whatever we can do to take care of ourselves first, fill that glass, then we have a bit of ourselves to pour out again.  So we pour out.  And pour and pour and soon we see that the glass is getting empty.  Time to fill it up again so we'll have more to pour out.  Or, put on our oxygen masks once again and take care of ourselves first.  Then and only then can we take care of others and other things. 

I'll put on my oxygen mask, but, I'm a little tired of these other masks.  However, I know first hand that they probably are working.  Of course, there's really no way to know, but I am very sure they are doing what we need them to do.  So I'll keep it up.  But, I'm tired of it!

But, back to my oxygen mask and filling my glass.  When I worked at the high school, I was off on Wednesdays.  My Sissy called those "Gail Days".  The girls that I worked with knew that on Wednesday's, I "scrubbed the toilets".  In other words, I did whatever housework I could fit in between other errands, appointments and such that were scheduled on my "day off".  Now that I'm not working outside my home, you'd think every day would be a "Gail Day".  Not so much.  But, I have made a conscious effort to make Monday's my Gail Day.  Tuesday is the day I have lunch at my moms and do her grocery shopping for her.  However, if the weather is nice, she may just mask up and go with me to do her own shopping.  I giggle because she tends to spend more money when she goes.  I stick to her list.  She tends to let other things fall off the shelves into her grocery cart.  But, that's part of the experience and I'm glad when she can go and do that for herself.  Of course, I ALWAYS stick to my list.  😂
Saturdays and Sundays I tend to leave open for Jack and anything we may want to do together.  Take the boat out, go visit Miss Reilly, do some yard or house work, go visit Miss Reilly, watch a little sports on the TV, go visit Miss Reilly, run around in our Honda side by side, visit those 2 people Miss Reilly lives with.  So that leaves me Wednesday (formerly known as Gail Day), Thursday and Friday for extra errands, projects around the house (I currently have 2 big ones), medical or other appointments, (did I mention between me, Jack and my mom, there have been over 50 of those since Spring?),  and maybe a little more time to refill my glass and put on my oxygen mask.  

One month ago we had some vacuum issues and decided it was time to give our nearly 30 year old Electrolux it's last rites.  This was about the 4th time we'd ever had work on it, but it was the 2nd time in the past year for the same issue.  Time to go with something new.  So the Electrolux guy came and sold us a new one.  That was a month ago.  I would be incredibly embarrassed to tell you how many times I've actually used it since then.  Less than you could count on one hand, and I'm not really sure you'd even need a hand. 

But, in the past couple of weeks, I want you to know that while there may be a bit of dust here and there, we've taken a fun trip to Georgia to spend some time with friends, snuggled and chatted with Reilly - both in person and a few times on FaceTime (love that technology).  I've done a couple of small projects around the house, I've spent some time in my beloved "Lou" with Kelley, I've had some retail therapy, some online retail therapy - "click click  - proceed to checkout" followed by some cardboard boxes arriving at the back door and I'm happy to say that I think my glass is full again.  I'm breathing.  

You keep breathing, too.  Even though it has to be through a mask a while longer.  Take care of you.  

Uncle Wilbur was right

Hmmm... it looks like I only get around to blogging about once a month.
But, this has been an eventful month.  So.... 

I know I've mentioned my Grandma Leefers on here a few times.  She was the best.  She was very much a part of my growing up years.  She had 4 sisters who lived here in Carlinville and because I was with her a lot, I spent a lot of time with them as well.  Sometimes I think I was more connected to that older generation than I was my own.  My grandma was also very close to my grandpa's sister - her sister-in-law, Zella.  None of us 18 grandchildren ever knew our grandfather.  He died when my dad was 4 and my oldest uncle was 12.  But, I knew his sister, Zella, very well.  She was truly my favorite of the great aunts.  I spent a lot of time with Aunt Zella and Uncle Wilbur.  I can't help but smile when I think of them because they were such great fun. 

I remember vividly something that Uncle Wilbur said one time.  This was in the late 60's maybe early 70's.  You'll recall the hippie movement was alive and well in those days.  Free love. The drug culture.  Protests.  Young people declaring their doubts about God.  
For the people of my grandma, Aunt Zella and Uncle Wilbur's generation, that last part really did not set well with them.
One time when we were at Aunt Zella and Uncle Wilbur's house, some other family members were there with a new born baby.  I have a theory, given the timeline of who that baby was, but I won't speculate because I'm not real sure.  But, there we all were, oooing and ahhhing and admiring this precious new born child.  And then, Uncle Wilbur said it. 

"How can anyone look at a new born child and not believe there is a God?"

That stayed with me.

More than 34 years ago, I got one of those precious gifts from God. When I had that precious little boy, ultrasound technology was new.  My doctor wasn't one to jump on that bandwagon as he felt as long as everything else was going okay, there was no need.  So while I felt the kicks and the wiggles, we never really saw him until he was here.  I'm sure during the process he was peanut sized, apple sized, cantaloupe sized and eventually watermelon sized, but I never saw that in black and white.  Only in my imagination.  Then, there he was. A little human with arms, legs, feet, 10 toes, 8 fingers and 2 thumbs.  A mini version of his Grandpa Shorty.  

My little A.J. grew up, fell in love, got married and he and his lovely wife, Abby, have recently received their own blessing from above.  Throughout the process, Abby had many ultrasounds.  I loved seeing each one.  This time I felt even closer to the process of watching a human grow and develop in utero. Every step of the way we monitored and observed. We even saw her perfect little face by way of a 3D ultrasound. It was amazing to watch as God did his greatest work. Then one day she decided it was her birthday.  She had already wiggled her way into our hearts and now it was time to wiggle into this world. She came with arms, legs, feet, 10 toes, 8 fingers and 2 thumbs.   My heart is full.
I had the best paternal grandmother.  I pray that this little girl does, too. 

Uncle Wilbur was right.

 

Where is my crystal ball?

Do you have any idea how many times in my adult life I've wished I had a crystal ball?  You know, the kind where you can look into the future.  Just to get a glimpse of how a situation will turn out. 
Remember, I am A.J. Sanson's mother.  Oh how easy it would have been to raise him back in the day, if only I'd had that crystal ball.  But, then again, maybe if I saw ahead at the amazing adult he would become, I would have been just a bit too relaxed on some issues and the outcome would have been very different.  Sometimes he needed a push.  Sometimes I needed a lot of prayer.  Sometimes I would call a couple of you and say "What the heck is this kid thinking?"  Teenage A.J. was never really an issue.  But the 20's.   Oh my!  His thought processes scared me.  But, we got through that.  Without the crystal ball, but with a lot of patience, prayer and good friends.  Both his friends and mine.  The result is a wonderful human with a very proud mom and dad.   But a crystal ball would have prevented a lot of mommy anxiety.

Do you remember the TV show Quantum Leap?  I watched it when it was on TV back in the late 80's - early 90s'.  Dr. Sam Beckett would suddenly "jump" into the past and into another person's life.  This would usually be around the time that person made a choice or decision that if he/she would have chosen an alternative option, their life would have been better.  That's what Sam was there to do. He would guide them to make a different choice and have a better life.  In a few cases, they would even save their own life.  
I've always been fascinated with the idea that sometimes even the simplest of choices we make can make a huge difference in our lives down the road.  I believe I mentioned this idea previously in a blog from August 2020.  (go ahead and read the rest of this post, then come back to this point and explore last year's post on this subject if you want)   The Bike Ride Post

I have to wonder just what we would do if we had that crystal ball and knew what was going to happen in certain situations or issues in our lives. How would we handle things differently?  And in doing so, would that alter the outcome and what we saw in our crystal ball would end very differently.  Remember in "Back to the Future" when Marty very innocently got involved in his parent's early courtship and nearly wiped himself from existence.  Whew!  I suppose this is why we don't really need to see the future or step back into the past for that matter.  We humans would screw it up.  So I guess when all is said and done, we really shouldn't know too much about what's coming in our lives.  We should just do our best and live carefully, boldly and gracefully.

I will be a grandma in the next few weeks.  I'd love the comfort of knowing that our little girl will arrive safely and healthy.  I'd love to know that her Mama will be alright, too.  That the birth will be easy and uneventful, and that Daddy (the aforementioned A.J.) will be there strong and steady through the whole thing.  I'd like to know that they will handle the transition to parenthood with as much ease as is possible.  Knowing from experience that "ease" will never be a part of those first few months.  Okay, more like the next 25+ years.  They are heading into all this without a crystal ball.  And without one of my own, all I can do is pray for good and great things for them all.  I do that daily. 

There are so many other issues and events that have me wishing I could see ahead.  More than I care to mention here and some are just too private for publication.  But, as I sit here and "Look Up and Out My Window" I see blue skies and trees with green leaves.  All I really know is that most likely someday that sky will cloud up and rain.  Eventually it will snow and eventually those green leaves will turn into all the lovely colors of autumn and fall to the ground. At least I'm pretty sure that will happen.  But sometimes the things we think will happen just don't. Or at least not in the timeframe of our minds.  So, I think we have to enjoy the beauty of today and hope for good tomorrows.  But be prepared for just about anything.  At anytime. Parenthood taught me that.  

Wouldn't it be nice to know when all this craziness of the past 18 months will be behind us?

My mom is 90 years old.  Recently she's had a bump in the health road, but is doing great once again.  She is slowly maintaining her independent lifestyle.  How long that will go on, I have no idea.  I sure wish I had a crystal ball to know what lies ahead for her and for those of us who are caring for this nonagenarian.  But, without that crystal ball, I just pray that her senior years are easy and comfortable and that she can maintain her life on her terms.  I realize that age has nothing to do with what time and how we will leave this earth.  But I hope none of her descendants go before her.  Her already fragile heart would break in to a million pieces.  All of our hearts would break with her.  
I'm not sure I'd want to see tragedy in a crystal ball.  There have been difficult times in my life.  Times and things that I wouldn't want to see if I could peek into the future.  Even looking in the rearview mirror is not pleasant sometimes.  Would I have handled things differently on that Sunday afternoon in December 2013 if I knew my dad was going to pass away that day?  How would my mom and I have handled that whole year of 2013 with him and the ups and downs we went through if we knew when that day would come?  We may have missed some important lessons that his last year of life taught us.  We may have become too complacent. Or maybe we would have scrambled in haste to avoid that December outcome.  But the truth is we probably could not have prevented it.  Maybe just prolonged it. When it's someone's time to go, it's just their time and there is really nothing we can do.  Dr. Sam Beckett wasn't going to jump in and change anything for us.  
We prayed.  We trusted in God's plan.  God's Will was done.

And there it is... without my crystal ball, there is only one way to get through tough and trying times.  With prayer.  With the knowledge and acknowledgement that God is in control.  All we can really do is ask Him to give us comfort and acceptance of His Will, and the strength and peace to survive the tough times.  We have to understand that His timing in everything is perfect.  We pray that He will help us make the right choices as we encounter life's difficulties and challenges. And we will gratefully acknowledge His Love and rejoice in thanksgiving when good things happen in our lives.

I don't have a crystal ball.  But, I'm glad that God does. I'm grateful that Jesus helps us understand and trust in God's Plan.

Sometimes I still wish I had one though. But I have something better.  I have faith.  With that I have everything.  With a crystal ball I'd have nothing. 

Words of Wisdom

Yes, I know my last blog was a bit more caustic than what I usually say and share.  I'm normally a happy, upbeat person, but sometimes when things wear and wear on me, I can only take so much.  

But, once again, I digress from my subject in this post.  As I carry on and try to adjust to life the best I can given the situations, I look for divine intervention.  Many times I get it.  Such as in the past week or so some of the daily verses on my Bible app have been the following:

Matthew 6:34  -  Take therefore no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.

That one is printed in red and you really need to pay attention to things printed in red, people!

Proverbs 13:3 - He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life;  but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.

Whew!  I may need that one stitched on a pillow.  Or maybe just put on sticky notes and attached to my mirror.

Colossians 3:17 - And whatsoever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by Him.

I will try. So all those words from the wisest of sources got me through a few rough days. I'll be fine. 

Let's get on to more positive and thought provoking things for all of us.  Okay, nothing is really more positive or thought provoking that the Good Words of the aforementioned source of The Word, but let's just move on.

I have a good friend who from time to time sends e-mails with some humor and wisdom.  I've recently gotten a few of these from him and I wanted to share some of my favorites and a few that I would call "wow" moments.

Did you know that an Aphorism is a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation.

Here are some of my favorites:

 1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 

        This one reminds me of an old saying from the 70's .. "Today is the first day for the rest of your life."  When you think it's time to change your ways, how nice it is that you don't need to wait much beyond tomorrow to get started on all that self improvement.  No need to wait till New Year's resolutions.  The truth is, the future is just a nano-second away.  I'm not sure I'll get started in the next few seconds, minutes or even tomorrow on some things, but I've made some major decisions and will do what I can starting as soon as I can.  Just the decision itself has boosted my spirits.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

        Yep.. now that does address my previous blog.  Kindness in all situations is the best option.    

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.  

    Oh. My. Dear. Lord.  Do you have ANY idea how much I love this one???  If you can't just belly laugh once in a while, then you and I have no need to engage in conversation.  Ever.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
    
    Well, that's a pretty good PSA. Putting down the cell phone is a good idea, as well.

5. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?  
    
    This is true.  It didn't have to live back in Carlinville for very long before I realized I went to high school with a lot of old people.

6. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4:00 am. For example, it could be the right number. (Think about this one)

    If you have children, elderly parents, and/or just a wide assortment of loved ones in general and you don't understand this one, you might want to rush to the nearest hospital.  Your heart has probably stopped beating. 

 7. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

    But, it is just a game.  Lighten up either way.  Life is the only real serious business, but I still don't think you should even take that so seriously.
I remember taking a very little Landon to his half time potty break during a soccer game.  They were getting beat - bad.  He giggled and said, "Gigi, I don't think we're going to win this game."  It was his genuine giggle that I loved.  I hope he never changes and I think we can all learn from the wisdom of little ones. "Out of the mouths of Babes."  We should all just enjoy the game.

8.  I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

    I hope my "happy hours" will soon involve having a precious little girl on my lap to rock, sing to (offkey), read to and love on for more than just an hour here and there.  But in the meantime, maybe I should nap once in a while to get prepared.

9. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones that mind don't matter.
    
    Well, this could refer to my previous snarky post as well.  And, I believe I've heard variations of this one since the 70's, too.

10. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.  Life is not the way it's supposed to be.  It's the way it is.  The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference.
    
    With the help of many words found - again in that aforementioned book of knowledge, I'm working on this everyday.  Life is really all about how you handle Plan B.

The following words of wisdom came from another e-mail from my friend. There were more, but I only posted the ones I liked the best. 

It starts like this:  I asked one of my friends who has crossed 70 and is heading to 80 what sort of changes he is feeling in himself.  He sent me the following very interesting lines, which I would like to share with you...

#1.  After loving my parents, my siblings, my spouse, my children, my friends, now I have started loving myself.

    We really should put on our oxygen mask first.  Wish I'd learned this sooner.

#2.  I just realized that I am not “Atlas”. The world does not rest on my shoulders.

    This follows my "you can't fix stupid" philosophy, but also, I can't fix everyone else's boo-boos and brokeness.  I can barely deal with my own.  Refer to #1 in this list.

#3.  I stopped telling the elderly that they've already narrated that story many times.  The story makes them walk down the memory lane and relive the past.

      My mother is 90.  I hear things many times.  I'm not 90, but I'm sure I've repeated the same stories to friends over and over.  Just be patient.  We ALL do this.

#4.  I have learned not to correct people even when I know they are wrong.  The onus of making everyone perfect is not on me.  Peace is more precious than perfection.

     Oh my, I really know someone in my life who could use this one.  Hopefully there aren't too many out there who think it's me.  I was rather proud of myself once at a hockey game when the guy behind me was explaining the rules to his girlfriend.  He was wrong.  I decided to let it go. I just enjoyed the entertainment in front of me and behind me.  Double the fun!

#5.  I give compliments freely and generously.  Compliments are a mood enhancer not only for the recipient, but also for me.  And a small tip for the recipient of a compliment, never ever turn it down, just say "Thank You".

     I learned the second half of that one many years ago.   I try to be humble and grateful when compliments are given.  But when one gives a compliment, I believe it must be genuine.  You can always find something nice to say.  Hate the dress? But, maybe it's a nice color.  Compliment the color.  I know someone who is a fake complimenter. By that I mean she always finds something nice to say - usually about clothes and then quickly laments that she can never find anything so cute and nice to wear.  And/or just can't afford it.  Pah-leese!   It is hard to say "thank you" to that.

#6.  I walk away from people who don't value me.  They might not know my worth, but I do.

    Don't give 100% of you to someone who only values 10% of you.

 #7.  I remain cool when someone plays dirty to outrun me in the rat race.  I am not a rat and neither am I in any race.

    I suppose this applied more when I was still in the workforce.  I'm well aware that Karma will catch up to people like this and what goes around comes around.  I've seen the results of some bad Karma, but for others I may never see it.  Not my place to keep score anyway.  Move on.

And now, just a few Aphorisms that I've collected over the years. 

Gail's list 1.  You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have.

    Yep.  But someone above helps me be strong.

Gail's list 2.  If you think you can do something or you think you can't do something - you're right. 

    

    Yep, again.

Gail's list 3.  I can’t know what’s best for another adult, or the purpose that a particular behavior is serving in his or her life.  It’s not my business to dictate how someone else lives.

    Live and let live.  You can't fix stupid anyway, right? 

Gail's list 4.  Few of us get through life without having to deal with pain and loss; we all hope we’ll handle it well.  But, the real pickle for most of us is the misery we put ourselves and others through by treating imaginary disasters as though they’re real, and then try to control them.

    I think we all anticipate trouble from time to time.  I've found that 99% of what I worried about for the future doesn't happen.  But, this is a hard habit to break.  Remember Matthew 6:34 above. 

And finally:   When you can't control something, you have to trust the One who is in control.

 

Keeping my mouth shut. But letting my fingers do the talking.

 

A friend of mine put this on Facebook today.  She tends to put inspirational Meme's out there almost everyday.  This one in particular caught my attention because I recently shared a similar sentiment with a friend. 

Over the past several weeks I've found myself in a lot of personal interactions with many people or groups of people in several different situations and arenas. I have found the best way to be kind sometimes is to just keep my mouth shut.  As I've said many times before... the reason families that get along well, do so, is because everyone in the family gets to take a turn at just keeping their mouth shut.  I'm sure many people keep their mouths shut around me and I have to say I appreciate that.  

I was sharing some relationship drama with my other friend, who happens to be someone I share a lot of things with.  I told her that there are a few people out there who have benefitted by me not saying what I really want to say sometimes in the moment.  There are a few folks who should be glad that it goes against my nature and my inner soul to be mean to people.  Even when they really deserve it.  And, I should also say that I really don't know if it's fair to say they "benefitted" by me keeping my mouth shut, or that they "should be glad."  I mean, what do they really care?  That puts way too much emphasis on my place in their life. I believe I'm humble enough to think a lot of people could get by without me in their life or my opinions on anything. I just don't know how else to say that it's probably good for everyone, especially me, that the thoughts in my head don't come out of my mouth.  Sometimes.  So I suppose who really is glad that I don't have that mean fiber running through my veins is me.  It really does feel better.  Of course, it doesn't help that I usually think of the perfect comeback much later anyway.  My hindsight being 20/20.  But the fact is I know if I had said something snarky in the moment I wouldn't feel good about it then or later.  I even shared with my friend during this conversation that when I find myself really wanting to put someone in their place sometimes the thought that prevents that is knowing that is not how God would want me to be.  I think she was quite impressed with that comment.  But it's true.  That is where my mind goes.
I find this all rather ironic when sometimes someone who really considers themselves to be Christian right to the core, is sometimes the one who will say the snarkiest thing.  I shared something with my friend that one of these people recently said and her response was something like, "not exactly a Christian thing to say was it?"  My immediate response to her saying that:  "There it is!  Exactly what I thought."  Yes, I know, we shouldn't be gossiping, but sometimes I just need someone to tell me that my thoughts and interpretation of something is accurate.  It's not like I'm spewing it all over the neighborhood.  Just confiding in one very trusted friend.  I have a few of those. I think because I've been through a lot of interactions lately, and had this and other conversations with 2 of my most trusted confidants about such things, that I felt this blog coming on.  And, then, there it was - on FaceBook this morning.  The truth is, being kind really does feel better.  

I believe I shared in a post recently that while it's not my place to judge someone, it doesn't prevent me from forming an opinion of them. I am, after all, human.  But, I still treat them with kindness. Even if they have a history of not doing the same to me sometimes. Treating them badly or rudely would be very uncomfortable and I don't like anyone in my presence to feel uncomfortable about anything. And I especially wouldn't want to be the one that brings on that uncomfortableness.  I also am working very hard at forming my opinions not on what I "hear" about someone, but from what I've experienced and seen for myself. I think we should all do that.  And we should consider this... maybe, just maybe someone screws up and does something they shouldn't.  Something questionable.  Or says something they shouldn't.  But prior to that one mess up, did they get 1000 things right?  Which is their true character?  We all make mistakes.  We all get it wrong sometimes.  I'm not throwing the first stone.  

I also shared in my conversation with my friend that I suppose I'm very lucky.  I can't think of anyone who has treated me so badly or rudely that they don't deserve my respect on some level or my kindness.  Okay, there were a couple back in Georgia, but they are no longer in my life.  And in those days rather than treating them so harshly in return, I just kept my distance and since both were in the work environment, I only dealt with them when absolutely necessary.  And in the end, I gained the respect of a lot more people than they did.  I'm not keeping score, but what goes around, really does come around.  There was one person in Carlinville that wasn't always so kind and stole my self esteem for a while.  But, a few years later when I saw this person with an obvious health issue, I told my friend that I actually felt bad for them and that I didn't understand why I would ever feel any concern for that person.  She reminded me that I am a human with a beating heart and a lot of compassion.  Okay, I suppose so, but I still don't plan to attempt a return to any sort of a relationship with this person.  As a wise woman once said, sometimes a person just needs a good "leaving alone."  Yep, I can do that - forever if I have to.

In family and friendships I find that others within those groups may have a different opinion of someone than what I do.  That's only because we come from different angles and have had different experiences with them.  I won't tell you your opinion of them is wrong, so don't tell me that mine is.  It's mine.  It's my history of them and I can forgive but not forget some things. I will be cordial. Friendly.  Kind.  But, I will also proceed with caution because of that history. As Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them."  Being kind to people does feel better.  But being smart and cautious towards some of them - feels better, too. 

The elephants in the room

I think most of my regular readers know by now, that the friend I went to visit and referred to in my last blog - has passed away.  She left us last Thursday evening. It is all still so hard for me to grasp. She was such a force of nature. Such a wonderfully, sweet lady with a heart bigger than her radiant smile.  So many people have shared their condolences, remembrances and grief on social media.  I've had many who have reached out to me personally as they know she and I were very close.  Thank you to all who have done that. It means more to me than you can imagine.

Her services were yesterday - Sunday, May 16th.  They were graveside services as she did not want anyone to come and get sick with this pandemic still being so relevant.  I would have gone if I could.  But, I have a granddaughter coming into this world and we had planned a baby shower here at our home yesterday.  There are really no weekends looking ahead where we could have postponed.  This is why I went to Georgia when I did.  Because I could go then and I didn't know if I'd be able to go back for services.  But, then, we should always visit our loved ones while they are still with us and tell them that we love them.  So, yesterday, I did what Debra would have wanted me to do.  I spent the day with family and friends and celebrated the greatest of all gifts - the gift of a new life.  Debra loved babies.  Actually Debra loved everyone.  Okay, I know a few people who annoyed her.  But, as close friends, there were not many secrets. And I'm keeping this information to myself. 
But, I made punch for the shower yesterday and it reminded me of one of my Debra stories. Which reminded me of another.  Debra would tell you I always have a side story to every story and sometimes even my side story has another side story.  I can still hear her explaining this and me to people.  But, back to my story...  My Debra could be quite good at what can only be described as the back handed compliment.  Or maybe it could be described as passive aggressive commentary.  And sometimes I think she only had to use this talent in dealing with me.  But, back to the shower.  At my niece's request I made a variation of a sherbet ice cream punch that I used to make years ago.  I used to make this for showers and things, but I really got away from making punch very much.  You see, I thought it was cumbersome to mess with.  I remember planning something one time and lamenting to Debra about maybe making punch, but not really wanting to mess with it since it's such a pain.  She quietly said something like "yes, it's a lot of trouble to pour a bunch of things in a bowl and stir it."  Such a smart-a_ _, my friend.  I just looked at her and shook my head, with a sheepish little smile/giggle.  I made the punch then and I made it yesterday. It was cathartic and comforting for me yesterday to stir it over and over throughout the day and think of My Debra.  

The story that story reminded me of:  Another time we and some other ladies met and spent a weekend in Nashville.  We shopped at a beautiful antique shop.  I came across a resin or cement type dog for a garden, patio, etc.  It was a sleeping basset hound.  If you know us, you know Jack loves his basset hounds.  I decided this particular little dog statue would be adorable on our back porch.  So I bought it.  I was quite excited about my "find."  At the register I was saying just how happy I was to have found it.  Again... Debra's comment was something like this.  "Yes, in this whole store full of all these beautiful things, I believe that's the one thing I would have been excited to purchase, too."  Same head shake, same grin and giggle.  His name is Barclay.  He's on the back porch sleeping between our 2 rocking chairs.  Every time I see him, I think of Debra. 
Every time I get one of my Pyrex bowls out to use - the set of 4 that we all got when we got married in the 70's - I think of Debra.  She was going to help me make some mints one time and when I got them out of my cabinet she said (and I can still hear it) ... "Awwwwww, you have your wedding bowls." Because of that, I will never get rid of them.  Ever.

Now, to the elephants and the baby shower.  After discussing with my daughter-in-law about her comfort level in this pandemic and factoring in a few other variables, I decided to have the Carlinville family shower here at our house.  Her mom and sister will plan one in St. Louis next month to accommodate the family and friends down there.  But, I have a good friend who taught me so much about planning parties and such.  A theme is always good.  I asked Abby's mom, Helen, what was Abby's nursery decorated with when she was little.  "Bears."  Okay, that combined with AJ's nursery of rocking horses would be a cute theme.  Teddy bears and rocking horses.  But, the online invites with both just weren't cute enough for my taste.  But, elephants had popped up, too.  They were adorable. Then, I realized something.  They reminded me of my own paternal grandma because she liked elephants. I may have already mentioned somewhere in a past blog that this paternal grandma/granddaughter relationship that I'd already been a part of was one of the best relationships I've ever experienced.  And there it was - my theme.  My grandma could be a part of the day with this theme.  After all, she would be my guide and role model in this new relationship.  So she should be a part of this day.  Why her fondness for elephants.  Well, back in the old days, you could vote at the ballot box with just one "X".  She was a "One X" type voter.  She even belonged to ladies groups in and around the elephant party.  But, that wasn't the only connection for her and me and the elephants.  When I was in 1st grade I was going to need corrective eyeglasses.  I wore them for about 6-7 years.  But I didn't want to at first.  I had no intention of wearing those glasses.  But, when we came home from the eye doctor, there he was... My grandma had made a stuffed elephant for me.  He was gray corduroy.  She was quite a seamstress and could sew anything.  She told me if I wore those glasses, I could keep him.  Well, I kept him.  Until he probably fell apart in the attic.  
A few years ago, one of my great nephews had to get glasses.  He wasn't balking at it, but I decided traditions need to be carried on.  I got him a stuffed elephant.  Notice I didn't say "made".  His was more the "click - click - proceed to checkout" variety.  But I took it to him and told him the story.
So we had elephant invites and a few other elephant things at the baby shower.  Abby had said she liked elephants.  She likes bunnies, too.  But, we just had elephants for now.  And in my heart, we had my grandma. I hope the paternal grandma/granddaughter relationship that I'm about to enter is as wonderful as the previous one in my life.  I'll just have to channel my inner Mildred.  My inner Debra, too. She was also quite good at the grandma and loving thing. Maybe some bracelets.. "WWMD" and "WWDD?"  
I hope to be guided by these two amazing women.  Both taught me unconditional love.  Tenacity.  Love.  Optimism. Love.  How to survive heartache and heartbreak. Did I mention love?   And how to do all the above with faith.  Above everything, have faith.  
Elephants, punch, fake sleeping dogs and wedding bowls are quite helpful, too.  

My Friend

"Hello, my friend." 
"Hello, my fray-yun."
That is how my friend Debra and I always greet each other.  She has the sweetest Southern drawl.  Can you tell which greeting above would be hers?  I used to tease her sometimes as all her words had at least 2 syllables.  She would kindly point out that "carpetbagger" has 4.

My friend is very sick.  The kind of sick where you don't get better.  She has a lot of sicks right now and any one on it's own would be the kind where you don't get better. It's called hospice.  Hospice is the ultimate oxymoron.  A very sad word, yet the greatest of blessings.   

This past week my lifelong sister friend, Kelley, offered to ride along with me to Georgia if I wanted to go see my Debra.  After consulting with her family and getting the green light for a visit, there was no stopping me.  Sunday, Kelley and I took off for Georgia.  This would be a large loop of a trip.  Four days on the calendar but since we left around noon on Sunday and returned just after noon on Wednesday, it was more like 72 hours.

My Debra recognized me right away.  I think she was happy to see me. "My friend". "My fray-yund."  I got to sit beside her for a while. I held her hand and placed in it a school size carton of chocolate milk. Actually, I took 2 cartons, one for Debra and one for me. Thank you to my other pal, Tammy for securing these for me.  Tammy is about the only person left working in the schools that I even know these days and her school was convenient in proximity to Debra's house.  So I could scoop them up easily.   I knew we wouldn't drink them, but I figured her 2 grandsons would enjoy them and since there were 2, they wouldn't have to fight over them.

I cherished my time with Debra and her family on Monday afternoon.  After sharing some of our memories, some idle chit-chat and me teaching her grandson to cheer for the Cardinals, the Blues and UGA football, it was the dreaded time for me to go.  I told her that I loved her.  She reciprocated.  A gentle hug cheek to cheek.  I don't remember if I used the word good-bye or the words, I'll see you.  The latter is more true.  Then I left her in the comfort and care of her loving family and her Lord.  I find a great peace in knowing that she knows where she is going.  She knows her glorious eternal life is coming.  She knows. 

There are too many to count Gail and Debra stories, but I'd like to share a few. The 2 that I reminded her of the other day and the explanation of the chocolate milk.

Picture it:  A PTA State Convention in Macon, GA.  Debra and I went and decided not to spend the night after the banquet.  We could drive home, be home by 11:00 and in our own beds.  Although we could have even shared a bed if we had to.  We've done it before - back when we were on the school retreat weekend in the North Georgia Mountains.   Somehow we ended up with a king size instead of a room with 2 beds.  The different sleeping styles of Felix (Debra) and Oscar (me) survived that just fine.  But. back to the PTA.  We were seated at a table with a lady from one of the schools in our county.  And by "lady" I mean a looney tunes, crazy person.  As Debra said when we talked this past Monday, "she was craaaazy". We survived the evening of observing this woman's antics by not making eye contact with each other.  Eye contact would have had us both erupting in uncontrollable laughter.  We survived the dinner only to have a humorous incident happen as we were leaving the ladies restroom, which was our last stop before getting into the car for the drive home.  We suddenly looked at each other when we saw what we saw, made eye contact and lost it.  Let me repeat.  We. Both. Lost. It. I'm not sure if I've ever laughed so hard before or since.  But, hey, I'd held it in all night through dinner.  It had been building up and it had to go somewhere.  I doubled over, had to find a chair to sit and compose myself and dry my eyes.    The conversation on the drive home was lively and sprinkled with more laughter.

Then there was the day at Peek's Chapel Elementary when I was having what could only be described as a panic attack.  I was concerned about something and my anxiety took over.  I went to the office to talk to my friend, Debra.  She could tell I was in full panic mode.  She told me "Stop talking. Wait." Then, there was a long and fast sequence of events.  She turned to the other secretary and told her she'd be back in about 10 minutes, drug me down to the cafeteria which was empty before lunch, we went to the serving line, got 2 cartons of chocolate milk, she hollered at the lunch ladies to put them on her account and we went out to the cafeteria where we drank our chocolate milk together.  She let me talk, she listened and then she talked me off the ledge.  Those little cartons of chocolate milk became symbolic to both of us.  After my move to Illinois, sometimes one of us would feel the need to e-mail a clip art picture of a school chocolate milk carton to the other.  Or, we'd post them on each others FaceBook pages.  In early 2013, when my dad became very ill, I was working at Carlinville High School.  One morning, one of the school secretaries came into my office and said that a lady from Georgia had called her and asked her to bring this.  She then placed a carton of chocolate milk on my desk.  Of course, I fell apart, which scared the secretary until I told her it was okay.  She sat with me and listened to the origin of the chocolate milk and she discovered in that conversation, what a caring and loving person my friend, Debra is.  I believe I was able to reciprocate the gesture when Debra was still at Davis Middle School and her Mama was so sick.  Of course, I couldn't call because Debra would answer the phone.  So I e-mailed one of the other office ladies.  There are many ways to send love in a carton of chocolate milk.

But, my favorite Debra story is this... It starts with A.J.  As most of you know, he played roller hockey in high school.  This was in Gwinnett County about an hour from Conyers.  After practice or a game was over, usually around 8:00 or 9:00 at night, we would go to Steak n Shake or one of our other favorite restaurants since there was no way I'd drive that hour and make supper so late at night.  Between rink and restaurant, let's just say, A.J. would get comfortable in the car. Some of his equipment would be removed during the ride and flung in the back seat.  A few days after one of these events, I was picking up Debra to go somewhere.  There must have been someone already in the front seat as she was getting into the back seat.  But, she stopped.  There IT was on the seat.  Debra, the girl mom, was not going to sit on it or touch it.  Me, the boy mom, just laughed, reached back, picked it up and flung it further into the depths of the car, all the while chuckling and explaining to her, that not all CUPS are meant for drinking.  A.J. was probably good training for her as the girl mom became a boy grandma.  In a few months, this boy mom will become a girl grandma and I'm glad I had Debra as an example.  But, the fact is, Debra loved ALL babies and children.  I will think of her loving ways and hope to emulate her when this precious baby comes into my life. 
As I look down the road to a little girl and maybe grandparents day at her school when she hands me her carton of chocolate milk and says, "Gigi, can you help me open this?"  Not only will I open it through my welled up eyes, but I'll tell her just how much love can be found in that carton of chocolate milk.  With every scrape, bump or booboo, I will make her a small glass of chocolate milk because that fixes everything. 

But, sometimes it can't fix everything. Like now.  It can only provide comfort to my heart with memories of love.

On my trip this week, I also stopped in to see several other friends in the area.  Just an hour or two visit with most, but enjoying their love and friendship.  They all know Debra and what a sweetie she is and all are praying for everyone involved. I felt a bit remorseful that my reason for this trip was somewhat clouded in all the joy of seeing other friends and the always hilarious adventures of yet another Kelley/Gail road trip.  But, as Kelley pointed out:  while I was saying "see you later" to a cherished friend and friendship, I was also quietly acknowledging the cycles of life and God by celebrating and cherishing other friendships He has blessed me with.  The lesson is simple.  Debra would never take her family and friendships for granted.  To honor her, we shouldn't either. 

Thank you, God, for friendships.  Old and new.  Present in our lives and present only in our memories. 

I love you, My Friend.  

Changes

David Bowie once sang about "ch-ch-ch-changes". Stevie Nicks sang about a "landslide". Roberta Flack said someone was "killing me softly with his song".

Welcome to my world.  Suddenly I find that there are so many changes coming and going.  Changes are here and I've been a little anxious lately about it all.

A major new relationship is coming into my life at the end of the summer.  I pray that person arrives safe and healthy.  I can only hope and pray that she and I will have a deep friendship along with my already deep love for her.  If our relationship is even a small percentage of a similar relationship that I was born into, then it will be marvelous.  That of a paternal grandmother and granddaughter.  I've been on the receiving end of that unconditional love.  That example of tenacity, loyalty, how to survive heartache and heartbreak.  How to enjoy and be grateful for all that God gives you.  Her heartaches were large and her worldly goods were few.  But she knew how to love beyond measure and was one of the greatest of examples of faith that I've ever known. That bears repeating... above all faith.  If only someday this new little person in my life can look back from my viewpoint and say it was one of the best relationships in her life; I will be forever blessed. That's all I can hope for.  I'm just afraid I don't know how to do the other part in all that.  All I can do is try hard to remember the example set before me and do what I can to be that example.  I'm afraid I will fail a bit.  Those standards are very high.  "Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?  Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

Another set of family dynamics is changing.  Or rather "ch-ch-ch-changing." Someone who was in my life in my childhood is returning to live close-by once again.  She understands the relationship above, because she too, was a grand recipient of that love. Maybe she's coming back into my everyday life to remind me of that great example she and I shared. She will keep me focused on the history of family, of the love, of the friendships that develop within a family - large or small.  She'll add a new layer of dynamics to my everyday and hopefully remind me how to be an exemplary female role model. The groundwork has been laid for this person to become one of my closest friends and confidants once again.  I think all will be great.  But it is still a major shift in my day to day life.  A major change to the dynamics of other relationships in my life. Along with her, there will be two other people, maybe more, that will likely become a part of our family gatherings and events as well.  More new people to navigate.  I believe back in March I mentioned on this blog that it is sometimes a challenge to navigate people.  "Turn and face the ch-ch-ch-changes."

Then there's Stevie Nicks... reminding me that "children get older, I'm getting older, too."   One of the little boys that I've loved and will always love is heading towards full teenager-hood. "And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes..... killing me softly with his song."  Where did that little boy go?  Where did MY little boy go.  When AJ was heading towards adulthood, I realized the little boy was gone. That adorable, exuberant child was gone forever.  I fell into a period of mourning. I fell into a landslide for a while.  Of course, there was a lot going on with me then, too.  I realized then that puberty and menopause did not belong in the same household.  But, there it was.  And we managed to come out on the other side unscathed.  For the most part anyway.  And I'm proud of the man he has become.  Still some Sanson roughness sprinkled with a lot of Leefers humor. And funneled in with the German stubbornness and family loyalty and love from both sides.  He is heading into his own new relationship as a daddy.  Thankfully he had the best example there.  And from the sidelines, while I watch the changes in his life, I will watch another little boy become a wonderful young man. Followed closely behind by his brother and cousin.  All this as 2 little boys on one side of our family are already blasting into childhood and on the other side, one more little boy and one little girl will come into our lives to remind us of the cycles of life.  Here we go again. 

All these changes come when I'm still learning to build relationships with a few new people who've come into our life in the past few years.  I'm still navigating new relationships. So, you see, there's a lot going on.  A lot of changes and landslides that are killing me softly.  Anxiety returns.  We humans don't do change well and yet it's one of the things we can count on the most. 

We've been in this house nearly 14 years.  We were in the house in Conyers for 17 years.  Those 17 years seemed to be such a huge part of our lives.  It seems like we lived there forever.  Yet, in that time AJ went from 3 to 20 in the blink of an eye.  Only 17 years.  But, it seems like these 14 years here have flown by so fast.  I need things to slow down a bit.  Somehow all those numbers keep adding up and suddenly Denny's Restaurants and a few other places consider me to be a Senior Citizen.  In just over a year, the federal government will label me a Senior with a new health care plan and card to carry.  The red, white and blue one that says "this is it".  This is the last phase of healthcare for you. "Time makes you bolder, children get older, I'm getting older too."

I'm going to do all I can to enjoy each and every day.  Come out of the Covid cocoon. Live each day with a plan.  Even if that plan is - today I rest. I hope to always love everyone around me with patience and understanding.  No judging. I want to nurture all these new and old relationships and friendships. I will enjoy all their quirks and pray that they will tolerate mine. Thank you, God for all these changes.  For the young and the old in my life.  For the new and the departed.  The landslides of my heart.

Blocks of time

Jack and I both got our second Covid vaccines on Friday.  Good Friday.  Long before we went for our shots, I knew and anticipated there may be a couple of days after that we'd be out of commission.  Although our symptoms from our first shots were mild - as we only had sore arms - I'd heard many stories about the reaction to the second one being worse.  So I knew - just for a few days - we might need to chill.  Just for that "block of time".
I learned many years ago through the observation of someone that we seem to live our lives within "blocks of time". 
I was talking to this friend on the phone during our very busy days in Georgia.  We both had full time jobs, a very busy son, hockey schedules, softball schedules, tennis schedules, PTA schedules, not to mention just busy social times with friends.  We always had a full calendar.  Sometimes things could double up and it would be a bit overwhelming. On the phone that day, I shared with my friend that the next week or so was very busy, but "when we get past that, things will settle down."  Let me start by saying, things never settle down.  Those of us from the 70's can remember Rosanne Rosanna Danna saying, "It just goes to show you, it's always something!"  Just typing that makes me giggle out loud.   But, back to the phone conversation.  My friend finally said to me that every time we talked, I always seemed to have some "block of time" to get through and survive. Well that was a light bulb moment.  An "a-ha" moment.  A sit back in my chair and look at Alan Weller and say "wow" moment.  (yes, that happened once, too) All the alarms going off.  I realized, she was right.  Don't we all have lives that are just one block of time after another?  Things coming up on our calendars.  Family parties or events. Doctors appointments. Between my mom, Jack and I we had 15 various kinds of appointments in March.  That block of time went by fast.   Vacations. Except in 2020.  Come to think of it, 2020 and early 2021 has been one big long, continuous block of time.
As for our most recent block of time that we had to survive from our shots, Jack and I had a lot of symptoms on Saturday.  We both had headaches, fever, chills, sore arms. fatigue.  We both survived though.  He woke up Sunday "feeling great".  I could have smacked him, because I did not.  I felt better, but no where near great.  I didn't start really feeling better until Monday evening. Today - Tuesday - I still have a very itchy arm.  Not as sore, but itchy.  And a bit of a "tight" head.  But, overall, I'm feeling much better.  I'm probably lingering more since midway between the first shot and the second, I got the delayed "Covid arm".  Redness, hot, tender to the touch and very itchy.  This came on about day 13 and lasted about 5 days.  My research shows that this seems to follow the Moderna vaccine, which is what we got.  Jack did not get Covid arm, just me.  Lucky me.  That only meant that I should have the second shot in the other arm.  I did.  So now I'm pretty sure that eventually BOTH arms will fall off.  I hope this isn't my last blog, since typing without arms would be difficult.
But, I digress, as usual.   So, I'll digress again.  As for learning that things never really settle down, this has taught be to stay ahead of the game.  Something always pops up on an empty calendar.  So I try to stay ahead.  Especially with the things that I know will just keep coming.  Such as the mail.  Deal with it each day.  Here's a helpful hint from Gail: open it next to the trash can since that's where most of it goes anyway. As for the part that doesn't make the trash can, deal with it right away.  File it, record it, stack in the "to pay" file, whatever works just deal with it at that time.  Same with e-mails.  Check daily, (there's a trash can right there, too) and deal with or respond to the rest.   Laundry.  Stay as ahead of that as you can because it will keep coming no matter what.  Clean the kitchen?  I tend to take my friend Beth's approach on that one.  There's really no need to clean the kitchen more than once a day.  But, I do try to clean it up for sure, once a day.  Sometimes all that gets behind.  Sometimes that can't be helped.  But when I can stay ahead, I try to.  Some people look at me and think I'm very organized.  Little do they know this is really just a character flaw for someone who can't function at all when overwhelmed. And I do mean sit in a chair with a dazed look on my face - overwhelmed.
But back to those pesky blocks of time that we all trudge through.  Such as our busy appointment filled March.  Because of that, March seemed to come and go fast.  And it just proves that even though our blocks of time can seem like mountains that we have to conquer, let's not forget to enjoy the journey.  Let's not try to hurry it all along and just get past the next block of time.  Stack your blocks wisely.

Navigating People

Relationships are hard.  Navigating people is always a challenge.
I'm in my 6th decade and I'm still learning how to deal with so many personalities, including my own.  I try to always say the right thing when interacting with other humans. Sometimes, I think I'd do better to say nothing.  But that's not my nature. So I suppose sometimes I just screw it up. 
We all have thousands of people we know and have met.  Some we've parted ways with (see last post) and many are still in our lives.  Old and current neighbors.  Old and current co-workers.  Friends, both old and new, short term and long term.  Those who are close and those better described as acquaintances.  Then, there's the big one.. family.  Old, young, new to the family circle, those who have been in our lives all of our lives, immediate family, extended family and those we describe as "shirt-tail" relatives.  Immediate family. What is the immediate family?  Are there just the 3 of us?  Now the 4 of us?  With Ella, the granddog, that makes 5 of us.  And soon to be 6 of us.  No.  That's not where I stop.  My definition of immediate family expands just a bit more.  It starts with the soon to be 6 of us, but by my definition, it also includes my mom, 3 brothers and their wives, their children, their grandchildren and their great grandchildren.  Then I'd have to add Abby's parents, sister, brother-in-law and nephew.  Not to mention her two grandmas. Add a few close friends and in my mind, these are the people that make up our immediate family.  No less. 
As for extended family, that would include cousins of all degrees, from 1st cousins to however far I can count - usually about 4th or 5th cousins.  Then there's the cousin once removed, or cousin twice removed groups.  The "shirt-tail" relatives are people who may be related to someone I'm related to.  Or they may be on the family tree, but way past those 5th cousins once removed.  
Okay, so I digress a bit from the topic of "navigating people" to define those that are my people.  But, all of them, each and everyone of the above people, neighbors, co-workers, friends and family come to us with a different story.  A different set of memories, life experiences, social and economic differences.  Some are loud and boisterous.  Some are quiet and shy.  Some have a sense of humor and some, well, not so much. Some like adventure and taking risks, some prefer the comfort of their safe place at home.  They come with as many different opinions as there are things to have an opinion about.  And, yet, we must do all we can in our communications and interactions with them to adapt and keep the relationships cordial and friendly.  And in that well defined immediate family group, we especially must do all we can to maintain a loving relationship full of mutual respect.  We must try to show understanding of who they are. Sprinkle that with kindness and some tolerance.  Sometimes to do that, we just have to keep our mouths shut.  Whew, that one is hard for me!  When it comes to family communication and dynamics, many have heard me say this:  "The reason families that get along so well, do get along so well, is because everyone in the family will all get to take a turn at just keeping their mouth shut."  I am sure my family has had to do that for me, and I've already mentioned that keeping my mouth shut is hard for me, but I can do it. I have done it. Sorry for past things I've said and sorry for future things I will say.  There, that covers it.  But, make no mistake - anything I say or have said in the past was never, ever, ever meant to hurt, harm or undermine.  Chattiness may be my nature, but unkindness is not.  If you know me well, you must know that one of my top priorities in dealing with other people is that I want no one, repeat that, NO ONE, to feel uncomfortable in my presence and especially in my home.  NO ONE. 

Speaking of uncomfortable, I'm not fond of that feeling when I think that I must walk on eggshells with someone.  You know the type, don't say anything that could upset them.  Don't rock that boat.  Don't say anything that may be construed by them as offensive. These are usually the kind of people who find everything offensive.  As I said, I don't mean to harm or hurt someone with my words.  That's not in my nature.  But, if I have to walk on eggshells with someone, it makes the relationship so much harder for me.  I can't do that anymore. All I can be is me.  Sorry.  The issue is usually their own insecurities anyway.  I can't fix that. Lord knows I have plenty of my own to deal with.  

One of the things that I need to work on, and something that I've already tried to work on, is to not be so judgmental of people. I'll especially try not to judge those "eggshell" people in the preceding paragraph.  As I said, everyone comes to the table with their own stuff.  Their own history and truths. These are the things that make them who they are.  So I'll do all I can to let them be who they are and try not to judge their quirks.  And hope they are more accepting of mine. I know 2 people in my life that I consider to be the most non-judgmental people I've ever met.  I want to be more like them.  But, here's the thing: I'm Christian enough to know that it is not my place to judge you. But, I'm also human enough to still have an opinion of you. But, I'll try to consider where you are coming from.  I'll try to understand that something in your history and memories make you who you are. Just like the girl in the mirror.  One thing I notice is she's not much of a "girl" anymore.  And, she's not the sharpest pencil in the pack sometimes either.  As she ages more and more each day, I just hope she gets wiser each day.

Navigating people is very complex.  Navigating the girl in the mirror is even harder.

Have a nice life.

First order of business.  I appreciate those who have left comments on this blog.  I enjoy the feedback.  But, this program does not identify you to me at all.  So please, sign your comments for me.  I understand if you'd still rather remain anonymous, but if not, even a first name will probably be enough for me.  Thanks.

Wow.  It's been a long time since I blogged.  I want you to know that while it's maybe been a while, it's not like I don't have any thoughts in my head.  Occasionally I still have casual and/or bizarre observations of life.  It's just that sometimes if I shared the things I think about, you would call for the white coats to come and carry me away.  Sometimes what I think about is too private for me to share or it's someone else's information that I shouldn't share.  So I don't.  Yes, I know, right?  I'M keeping quiet.  I could have a stroke if I keep this up.
Many times it's simply because of my vow to keep my political views and commentary to myself.  Oh, Jack and I talk about these things sometimes.   We are not a case of opposites attracting.  We pretty much agree on politics and such.  But others don't agree, so I avoid controversy.

I recently was reminded of my days with Karmak Software.  We would travel to other cities and install computer systems and then stay a while to get the customer up and running.  My job was to train the employees, especially those who worked at the point of sale in these businesses and in the accounting and inventory departments.  Inventory control was my specialty.  Surprised?
We'd spend anywhere from a few days to a whole week with these people.  We'd work with them.  Eat lunch with them.  Sometimes we'd have both lunch and supper with them.  And as with anyone you spend much time with, we'd have conversations about family and life.  In other words, we'd get to know them well and even became privy to their current life situations.  Especially the upper management as that's who we would usually have those lunches and suppers with.  At the end of our week together it would be time for us to go.  We would probably still talk with them on the phone occasionally, but for the most part, our job in their presence and workplace was done.  We would most likely never see them in person again.  At least I wouldn't. Towards the end of my time with Karmak, as I knew I'd soon be marrying Jack and moving to Peoria, I especially knew I'd never see these people again.  My standard goodbye to them was simple.  As we left, I'd tell them to "Have a nice life."
Where did that come from? 
Many of you know I spent a year and a half at Blackburn College.  When I finally decided it wasn't for me, I left at the end of the fall semester in 1976.  As I attended some of my last classes, took my exams and tried to at least finish a bit strong, I'd bump into people that I knew and had spent time with in my year+.  For many of them, I knew that most likely, once I left school, we wouldn't stay in touch. I remember telling one acquaintance that I was not coming back the next semester.  She was a bit surprised by that, didn't seem to know what to say and finally just said... "Well, have a good life."  I think I giggled and said, "Yes, you too!"
We've all had people who come and go in our lives.  Sometimes we don't know it's the last time we'll see them, or that it's the last conversation we'll have with them.  But, when I do realize that a conversation or encounter could very likely be the last time I'll see them, I always remember to tell them "have a nice life."
Some people who received that "goodbye" from me in my Karmak days and many people who receive it from me now, usually look at me with stunned surprise.  Most of them, once they realize the truth of the situation will wish the same right back to me.
So the next time you are traveling to a place you know you'll never be again, and you've had great tour guide, or when the nice person who rings up your purchase at the souvenir shop is finished with the transaction, or you've just met and had friendly conversations with some fellow travelers - okay even if they are not so great, nice or friendly - just be sure to  encourage them to "Have a nice life".
Maybe this could be the start of a kindness revolution.  Wishing everyone well even if you don't know them by name.  Maybe the pleasant surprise and good feelings they get will encourage them to pay it forward.  Pass along the well wishes.  We could start a movement... just like the "Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacree and Movement." 
So from now on when you have situations like this, either tell them they can get anything they want at Alice's Restaurant, or just tell them to "Have a Nice Life."

Note to the uniformed and/or younger folks - you can YouTube Alice's Restaurant. 

Questions and answers

I'm retired, people.  I'm happy and I stay as busy as I want to be.  I think some people don't understand that.  And as time goes on I feel less and less need to explain it to them.  More about that later.
I retired at the end of the 2017-2018 school year.  May 2018 to be exact.  I was nearing 61. When I realize that was just 2-1/2 short years ago, it surprises me as it seems like it should be longer ago. So much has happened in those 2-1/2 years to verify that it was time for me to retire.  I knew it was time.  Many readers here know that I worked at various jobs in my life starting at age 18.  At the age of 29, I took about 8 years off to be the Mom.  During those days in the late 80's early 90's, women weren't supposed to be "just a mom".  When women who were stay at home moms (SAHM) would meet new people, or their husbands co-workers and were asked.. "what do you do?", many felt sheepish about saying they didn't work outside the home.  Being a mom was an embarrassment to them. But, when I was asked, I very proudly and boldly and without any hesitation or shame, said, "I'm the mom!" (notice not A mom, THE mom).  Then I would share our son's current age, etc.  No one ever (and after the way I said it, did not dare to) ask if I had plans to go back to work someday.  And many wisely acknowledged that what I was doing was a huge job.  I don't want to bash women who kept working when their children were little.  They, too, were doing what they wanted or in some cases what they had to do financially.  I read around the time of my SAHM days that whichever choice you make - if you are okay with it and comfortable with it, then your children will be, too.  That made sense to me and in fact, I've seen the results both ways.  Unhappy and miserable will trickle down to the kids.  Happy and content will trickle up.
Eventually I went back to the "real" workforce and for many years worked in the school system in Rockdale County GA.  I was the "computer lady" there.  Or if you were in Kindergarten " 'puter lady".  But, make no mistake, I was still THE mom.  After Jack retired from AT&T and we moved north, I spent the first full year plus on the house.  Then I worked as a sub for the schools, a very part-time study hall monitor for one year, a short stint in another job where I tolerated a bully of a boss for 3 whole months and then went back to subbing and eventually, I started to work at Carlinville High School in the Fall of 2011 in a secretary/bookkeeper position.  Second to my "mom" job, that one was truly the best other job I've ever had.  But, after 7 years, it was time for Jack and I to work on our bucket list of travels and some of those didn't work well with the school calendar.  (Didn't work so well in 2020 either, but I digress). When I told my principal about my plans to retire at the end of the 17-18 school year, he was not surprised at all.  He said, "Well, you told me you'd be here 5-7 years.  It's been 7 years, so I figured you were close to this."  He wasn't surprised.  I can't believe he remembered that conversation from 7 years prior. 
It was time.  Did I already say that?  It worked out well for me.  AJ had met the love of his life and in that first year, they became engaged and it wasn't long after that I was involved in wedding planning.  Shower planning.  Rehearsal planning.  Hospitality accommodations planning. Before and during some of that my mom had health issues and needed some attention.  Thankfully she is now doing great.  Also in that first year, we had a big parade to attend in St. Louis in June 2019.  I thank God everyday that the wedding and that parade all took place in 2019.  Because after that, it was 2020.   (da-da-da-dum)
AJ & Abby had bought a house and I decided it was now time for him to take some of his sports memorabilia to his own home.  I started to dismantle the décor of the basement.  That was a JOB.  Eventually, the pandemic hit harder and being retired gave me plenty of time to go through the process of cancelling 4 vacations.   Jack was home for about 2 months. I convinced him to spend some time in the basement consolidating his 5-6 boxes of old St. Louis sports newspapers down to one.  He did.  He eventually went back to work and I eventually painted that basement room.  It's quite big and it took me 3-4 days to paint it just one coat.  Done and freshened. When things lightened up in pandemic numbers during the summer, I had a garage sale. Since then, even with the pandemic, I've kept busy. So please people, don't worry about what I do with "all my time."  

Which brings me back to those people who just don't understand.  In the very beginning of my retirement I would sometimes get the question... "What do you do with your days?"  This came mostly from one person in particular and I always felt it was very condescending.  I suppose I should have given this person the answer they were thinking anyway.. "oh, I sit and eat bon-bons all day and watch soap operas."   Some people just don't understand the fine art of puttering around the house doing things.  To be honest, then and now, I don't really have a definite answer to that question, but I can assure any of you who are worried about me that:  1.  I have no idea what I do all day.  2. I keep busy all day.  And finally 3. It's really none of your dang business anyway.  I still find a few others who continue to ask me what I've been up to - in a very condescending way.  Some people don't understand not needing to have a "real" job to be happy. 
I sometimes think I should point out to these people that in these past 2 1/2 years, I have read through and touched on some Bible study in 2 different formats.  Then, I could ask if they've ever read it even once?  But, then that would be too snarky and go against the things I've read in the Bible.
Jack likes his real job. He's happy going to work each day, but, in this particular job, he can take off whenever and as much as he wants.  If I could have done that at CHS, I'd still be there.  Having said that, I've been very thankful to not have been working in a school system this past year. 
Going forward, feel free to ask what I've been up to, if you want.  It's not what you ask, it's how you ask it.  Just like in my stay at home mom days when people would ask what I "did".  My answer wasn't what I said, but how I said it.  How - makes a big difference. I wasn't ashamed of what I did then, and I'm not ashamed of what I do now.  So just don't try to make me feel like I should be when you ask.  You can chalk that attempt up as being one of the failures of your life.  If you wanted me to feel badly in some way, it didn't work.  Fail. 
Before you ask, I currently have a few overly organized tasks that I'm working on or want to work on. THIS makes me happy.  You be happy, too.

It's time for my afternoon walk.    And, by the way, although today he is 34, I'm still THE mom. I really don't understand people who think that job ever stops.