Two young mothers that I care about a great deal are going back to work today. Both gave birth to precious little girls on the same day just over 12 weeks ago. Both are a bit apprehensive about some things today, but both are also very determined, confident and bright women who are making the choice to continue their careers. I have told them both, they are setting great examples for their daughters. I'm not sure they realize that what I'm saying is not that they are making this particular choice, but that they are doing so with convictions and confidence, so ultimately, this is the best choice for them and their families. Their daughters will see that.
When I was growing up, most moms were still at home. A few were career minded, some were working outside their homes due to financial necessity, but many were stay at home moms. The examples that were in my life were varied.
Women of our generation had a lot to learn about how this choice is different for each individual and family. As I was in my young motherhood days, women who decided to pursue careers, looked down upon the women who chose to suspend those careers to raise their young children. The working moms felt the stay at home moms were selling themselves short. Sacrificing a piece of themselves for their children and families. Succumbing to the male oriented society. The stay at home moms looked down upon the working moms as neglecting their family's needs. Being selfish, if you will. We were all wrong to do that to each other.
Around this time, I read an article in a magazine on this very subject. I don't always believe everything I read, but when something I read makes sense, especially when I can see real evidence that it makes sense, I have to agree with it. The article started by reminding us women to be supportive of each other and our choices. We have enough things out there fighting against us, we don't need to be fighting each other. It went on to say that whatever YOU choose for yourself, if you are okay with it and at peace with it, then that will trickle down through your family. Your children will be okay with it, too. Wow, that really hit home. You see, as a child I observed someone who worked outside their home, but they were not happy doing so. They were among the financial necessity group. I am so sorry for people who are in this category, but as the saying goes, what happens to you is not something you can control, how you react to it is. This particular person was miserable. I can't think of any other word to describe it. And her family, especially her daughter, was miserable, too. The guilt went in 2 different directions. One of my best friends was a career person. She and her husband both had busy and full time careers, and they both traveled on their jobs as well. They could coordinate their travel dates. This friend's children are 2 of the brightest and happiest, well adjusted, easy going young people I know. Always have been. She was comfortable with her choice and it trickled down.
When I was growing up, the lady across the street from our house ran a home day care. I doubt that she had all the documentation that is now required to do that, but all those children were happy and well taken care of. I never heard her raise her voice to any of them and I never saw any signs of any of them disrespecting her. A lot of people would have not considered that she had a "career" or full time job. But she had one of the most important ones I have ever witnessed, and she was exemplary at doing it. I also had a ring side seat to another woman who was a stay at home mom. She relished and loved her position. She tried to work part time for a friend once, but that didn't last long. She was happy at home. Her children were well adjusted and happy, too. Her attitude trickled down.
Jack and I always planned for me to stay at home with little ones, if we could. Maybe my thoughts about this were from the examples I saw growing up, but it really is what I wanted to do. Thankfully, we could and I did. I never regretted one minute of that. I felt very blessed to be able to do that. Even, as I indicated above, this was a time when stay at home moms of my generation were made to feel they were less than they could/should be. If we were at an office gathering with our hubbies, and someone asked "what do you do?", we were supposed to be almost ashamed to say we were stay at home moms. We'd be looked upon as less of a person among the corporate world. Not this girl. I remember being asked that by someone in that situation. I proudly looked them in the eye and said "I'm the mom!" Then went on to explain that we had a 2 year old little boy and he keeps my very busy. I remember their admiration in my answer. Not because of what I was, but because of my attitude around it. I loved my choice. I knew those days with little AJ would be fleeting. But, that is not, and it shouldn't be everyone's choice.
The women of my generation were more and more choosing to pursue careers along with raising their families. It was my generation that worked out the details and therefore provided the benefits that this generation now gets to take advantage of. For one thing, I think we really did stop judging each other. At least I sure hope we have. There were also, not as many day care facilities 30-40 years ago. Not as many options. And certainly no way to log in and watch a video of their day. No photos were texted to you. We paved the way for a lot of changes in the workplace for parents. I think today's employers even recognize that a dad may need to take some time off for their children. We'd never heard of paternity leave, and maternity leave was only about 4-6 weeks. Now thanks to companies honoring new dads with paternity leave and new moms with the Family Medical Leave Act, parents can stay home with their infants longer. There have been many changes to the workplace, but many more need to come. Before AJ was born, I worked at an office that would penalize people for taking too much time off. One woman I worked with had 4 children and her husband could not take off when they were sick. It was up to her. And she missed out on pay raises because of it. I'm sure that still goes on, but not as much as back then. Mothers should never have to make a choice between a sick child and their jobs. Neither should dads.
When the time came for me to choose going back to work, AJ was 8 years old. He was heading to 3rd grade. For his K-2 years, I was an active parent volunteer in his school. Room mom, computer mom, even PTA jobs including President. I enjoyed the freedom of time to do those things. But, then a job opportunity came up at his school and I took it. I was still able to remain an active parent volunteer in the schools. My hours were also great as I could come and go with the school time schedule and I was able to have most of my summer days off with him. The days we had teacher workshops or workdays, Jack could schedule those days off and stay with AJ. We made it work. With my background and skills I could have probably gone into downtown Atlanta for a job and made 3-4 times what I made working for the school system. But I felt this gave me the best of both worlds. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But, that was my choice. It may not be everyone's. One thing that may have factored in was that I didn't have the village around me. No grandma down the road to drop off a sick child. When AJ was sick I was home with him. In our transient world, I think a lot of people are in that place. Fortunately one thing I found within school systems is they really understand that you may have a sick kid and you may have to stay home with them. They don't want them at school like that and if you are the only option, then stay home. No guilt. No penalties.
I am so proud of the 2 young mama's in my life that are making the choice that is best for them and their families. Their choice to work outside the home or not, will not influence their daughters as much as their attitude and confidence in their choice. They are both wonderful in that regard. They will have adjustments, but, they also have terrific men in their lives to help work out those adjustments. These little girls will see the example of a strong, self assured woman, and they will learn to be one themselves. They will see dad's that support their wives as true co-parents and true life partners and will realize they should expect nothing less from their future partners. They will learn that love, teamwork, trust, compromise, support of each other and balancing it all through the bumps and victories - is what makes a marriage. It's what makes a family.
These are two very lucky and very blessed little girls.