My Friend

"Hello, my friend." 
"Hello, my fray-yun."
That is how my friend Debra and I always greet each other.  She has the sweetest Southern drawl.  Can you tell which greeting above would be hers?  I used to tease her sometimes as all her words had at least 2 syllables.  She would kindly point out that "carpetbagger" has 4.

My friend is very sick.  The kind of sick where you don't get better.  She has a lot of sicks right now and any one on it's own would be the kind where you don't get better. It's called hospice.  Hospice is the ultimate oxymoron.  A very sad word, yet the greatest of blessings.   

This past week my lifelong sister friend, Kelley, offered to ride along with me to Georgia if I wanted to go see my Debra.  After consulting with her family and getting the green light for a visit, there was no stopping me.  Sunday, Kelley and I took off for Georgia.  This would be a large loop of a trip.  Four days on the calendar but since we left around noon on Sunday and returned just after noon on Wednesday, it was more like 72 hours.

My Debra recognized me right away.  I think she was happy to see me. "My friend". "My fray-yund."  I got to sit beside her for a while. I held her hand and placed in it a school size carton of chocolate milk. Actually, I took 2 cartons, one for Debra and one for me. Thank you to my other pal, Tammy for securing these for me.  Tammy is about the only person left working in the schools that I even know these days and her school was convenient in proximity to Debra's house.  So I could scoop them up easily.   I knew we wouldn't drink them, but I figured her 2 grandsons would enjoy them and since there were 2, they wouldn't have to fight over them.

I cherished my time with Debra and her family on Monday afternoon.  After sharing some of our memories, some idle chit-chat and me teaching her grandson to cheer for the Cardinals, the Blues and UGA football, it was the dreaded time for me to go.  I told her that I loved her.  She reciprocated.  A gentle hug cheek to cheek.  I don't remember if I used the word good-bye or the words, I'll see you.  The latter is more true.  Then I left her in the comfort and care of her loving family and her Lord.  I find a great peace in knowing that she knows where she is going.  She knows her glorious eternal life is coming.  She knows. 

There are too many to count Gail and Debra stories, but I'd like to share a few. The 2 that I reminded her of the other day and the explanation of the chocolate milk.

Picture it:  A PTA State Convention in Macon, GA.  Debra and I went and decided not to spend the night after the banquet.  We could drive home, be home by 11:00 and in our own beds.  Although we could have even shared a bed if we had to.  We've done it before - back when we were on the school retreat weekend in the North Georgia Mountains.   Somehow we ended up with a king size instead of a room with 2 beds.  The different sleeping styles of Felix (Debra) and Oscar (me) survived that just fine.  But. back to the PTA.  We were seated at a table with a lady from one of the schools in our county.  And by "lady" I mean a looney tunes, crazy person.  As Debra said when we talked this past Monday, "she was craaaazy". We survived the evening of observing this woman's antics by not making eye contact with each other.  Eye contact would have had us both erupting in uncontrollable laughter.  We survived the dinner only to have a humorous incident happen as we were leaving the ladies restroom, which was our last stop before getting into the car for the drive home.  We suddenly looked at each other when we saw what we saw, made eye contact and lost it.  Let me repeat.  We. Both. Lost. It. I'm not sure if I've ever laughed so hard before or since.  But, hey, I'd held it in all night through dinner.  It had been building up and it had to go somewhere.  I doubled over, had to find a chair to sit and compose myself and dry my eyes.    The conversation on the drive home was lively and sprinkled with more laughter.

Then there was the day at Peek's Chapel Elementary when I was having what could only be described as a panic attack.  I was concerned about something and my anxiety took over.  I went to the office to talk to my friend, Debra.  She could tell I was in full panic mode.  She told me "Stop talking. Wait." Then, there was a long and fast sequence of events.  She turned to the other secretary and told her she'd be back in about 10 minutes, drug me down to the cafeteria which was empty before lunch, we went to the serving line, got 2 cartons of chocolate milk, she hollered at the lunch ladies to put them on her account and we went out to the cafeteria where we drank our chocolate milk together.  She let me talk, she listened and then she talked me off the ledge.  Those little cartons of chocolate milk became symbolic to both of us.  After my move to Illinois, sometimes one of us would feel the need to e-mail a clip art picture of a school chocolate milk carton to the other.  Or, we'd post them on each others FaceBook pages.  In early 2013, when my dad became very ill, I was working at Carlinville High School.  One morning, one of the school secretaries came into my office and said that a lady from Georgia had called her and asked her to bring this.  She then placed a carton of chocolate milk on my desk.  Of course, I fell apart, which scared the secretary until I told her it was okay.  She sat with me and listened to the origin of the chocolate milk and she discovered in that conversation, what a caring and loving person my friend, Debra is.  I believe I was able to reciprocate the gesture when Debra was still at Davis Middle School and her Mama was so sick.  Of course, I couldn't call because Debra would answer the phone.  So I e-mailed one of the other office ladies.  There are many ways to send love in a carton of chocolate milk.

But, my favorite Debra story is this... It starts with A.J.  As most of you know, he played roller hockey in high school.  This was in Gwinnett County about an hour from Conyers.  After practice or a game was over, usually around 8:00 or 9:00 at night, we would go to Steak n Shake or one of our other favorite restaurants since there was no way I'd drive that hour and make supper so late at night.  Between rink and restaurant, let's just say, A.J. would get comfortable in the car. Some of his equipment would be removed during the ride and flung in the back seat.  A few days after one of these events, I was picking up Debra to go somewhere.  There must have been someone already in the front seat as she was getting into the back seat.  But, she stopped.  There IT was on the seat.  Debra, the girl mom, was not going to sit on it or touch it.  Me, the boy mom, just laughed, reached back, picked it up and flung it further into the depths of the car, all the while chuckling and explaining to her, that not all CUPS are meant for drinking.  A.J. was probably good training for her as the girl mom became a boy grandma.  In a few months, this boy mom will become a girl grandma and I'm glad I had Debra as an example.  But, the fact is, Debra loved ALL babies and children.  I will think of her loving ways and hope to emulate her when this precious baby comes into my life. 
As I look down the road to a little girl and maybe grandparents day at her school when she hands me her carton of chocolate milk and says, "Gigi, can you help me open this?"  Not only will I open it through my welled up eyes, but I'll tell her just how much love can be found in that carton of chocolate milk.  With every scrape, bump or booboo, I will make her a small glass of chocolate milk because that fixes everything. 

But, sometimes it can't fix everything. Like now.  It can only provide comfort to my heart with memories of love.

On my trip this week, I also stopped in to see several other friends in the area.  Just an hour or two visit with most, but enjoying their love and friendship.  They all know Debra and what a sweetie she is and all are praying for everyone involved. I felt a bit remorseful that my reason for this trip was somewhat clouded in all the joy of seeing other friends and the always hilarious adventures of yet another Kelley/Gail road trip.  But, as Kelley pointed out:  while I was saying "see you later" to a cherished friend and friendship, I was also quietly acknowledging the cycles of life and God by celebrating and cherishing other friendships He has blessed me with.  The lesson is simple.  Debra would never take her family and friendships for granted.  To honor her, we shouldn't either. 

Thank you, God, for friendships.  Old and new.  Present in our lives and present only in our memories. 

I love you, My Friend.  

Changes

David Bowie once sang about "ch-ch-ch-changes". Stevie Nicks sang about a "landslide". Roberta Flack said someone was "killing me softly with his song".

Welcome to my world.  Suddenly I find that there are so many changes coming and going.  Changes are here and I've been a little anxious lately about it all.

A major new relationship is coming into my life at the end of the summer.  I pray that person arrives safe and healthy.  I can only hope and pray that she and I will have a deep friendship along with my already deep love for her.  If our relationship is even a small percentage of a similar relationship that I was born into, then it will be marvelous.  That of a paternal grandmother and granddaughter.  I've been on the receiving end of that unconditional love.  That example of tenacity, loyalty, how to survive heartache and heartbreak.  How to enjoy and be grateful for all that God gives you.  Her heartaches were large and her worldly goods were few.  But she knew how to love beyond measure and was one of the greatest of examples of faith that I've ever known. That bears repeating... above all faith.  If only someday this new little person in my life can look back from my viewpoint and say it was one of the best relationships in her life; I will be forever blessed. That's all I can hope for.  I'm just afraid I don't know how to do the other part in all that.  All I can do is try hard to remember the example set before me and do what I can to be that example.  I'm afraid I will fail a bit.  Those standards are very high.  "Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?  Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

Another set of family dynamics is changing.  Or rather "ch-ch-ch-changing." Someone who was in my life in my childhood is returning to live close-by once again.  She understands the relationship above, because she too, was a grand recipient of that love. Maybe she's coming back into my everyday life to remind me of that great example she and I shared. She will keep me focused on the history of family, of the love, of the friendships that develop within a family - large or small.  She'll add a new layer of dynamics to my everyday and hopefully remind me how to be an exemplary female role model. The groundwork has been laid for this person to become one of my closest friends and confidants once again.  I think all will be great.  But it is still a major shift in my day to day life.  A major change to the dynamics of other relationships in my life. Along with her, there will be two other people, maybe more, that will likely become a part of our family gatherings and events as well.  More new people to navigate.  I believe back in March I mentioned on this blog that it is sometimes a challenge to navigate people.  "Turn and face the ch-ch-ch-changes."

Then there's Stevie Nicks... reminding me that "children get older, I'm getting older, too."   One of the little boys that I've loved and will always love is heading towards full teenager-hood. "And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes..... killing me softly with his song."  Where did that little boy go?  Where did MY little boy go.  When AJ was heading towards adulthood, I realized the little boy was gone. That adorable, exuberant child was gone forever.  I fell into a period of mourning. I fell into a landslide for a while.  Of course, there was a lot going on with me then, too.  I realized then that puberty and menopause did not belong in the same household.  But, there it was.  And we managed to come out on the other side unscathed.  For the most part anyway.  And I'm proud of the man he has become.  Still some Sanson roughness sprinkled with a lot of Leefers humor. And funneled in with the German stubbornness and family loyalty and love from both sides.  He is heading into his own new relationship as a daddy.  Thankfully he had the best example there.  And from the sidelines, while I watch the changes in his life, I will watch another little boy become a wonderful young man. Followed closely behind by his brother and cousin.  All this as 2 little boys on one side of our family are already blasting into childhood and on the other side, one more little boy and one little girl will come into our lives to remind us of the cycles of life.  Here we go again. 

All these changes come when I'm still learning to build relationships with a few new people who've come into our life in the past few years.  I'm still navigating new relationships. So, you see, there's a lot going on.  A lot of changes and landslides that are killing me softly.  Anxiety returns.  We humans don't do change well and yet it's one of the things we can count on the most. 

We've been in this house nearly 14 years.  We were in the house in Conyers for 17 years.  Those 17 years seemed to be such a huge part of our lives.  It seems like we lived there forever.  Yet, in that time AJ went from 3 to 20 in the blink of an eye.  Only 17 years.  But, it seems like these 14 years here have flown by so fast.  I need things to slow down a bit.  Somehow all those numbers keep adding up and suddenly Denny's Restaurants and a few other places consider me to be a Senior Citizen.  In just over a year, the federal government will label me a Senior with a new health care plan and card to carry.  The red, white and blue one that says "this is it".  This is the last phase of healthcare for you. "Time makes you bolder, children get older, I'm getting older too."

I'm going to do all I can to enjoy each and every day.  Come out of the Covid cocoon. Live each day with a plan.  Even if that plan is - today I rest. I hope to always love everyone around me with patience and understanding.  No judging. I want to nurture all these new and old relationships and friendships. I will enjoy all their quirks and pray that they will tolerate mine. Thank you, God for all these changes.  For the young and the old in my life.  For the new and the departed.  The landslides of my heart.

Blocks of time

Jack and I both got our second Covid vaccines on Friday.  Good Friday.  Long before we went for our shots, I knew and anticipated there may be a couple of days after that we'd be out of commission.  Although our symptoms from our first shots were mild - as we only had sore arms - I'd heard many stories about the reaction to the second one being worse.  So I knew - just for a few days - we might need to chill.  Just for that "block of time".
I learned many years ago through the observation of someone that we seem to live our lives within "blocks of time". 
I was talking to this friend on the phone during our very busy days in Georgia.  We both had full time jobs, a very busy son, hockey schedules, softball schedules, tennis schedules, PTA schedules, not to mention just busy social times with friends.  We always had a full calendar.  Sometimes things could double up and it would be a bit overwhelming. On the phone that day, I shared with my friend that the next week or so was very busy, but "when we get past that, things will settle down."  Let me start by saying, things never settle down.  Those of us from the 70's can remember Rosanne Rosanna Danna saying, "It just goes to show you, it's always something!"  Just typing that makes me giggle out loud.   But, back to the phone conversation.  My friend finally said to me that every time we talked, I always seemed to have some "block of time" to get through and survive. Well that was a light bulb moment.  An "a-ha" moment.  A sit back in my chair and look at Alan Weller and say "wow" moment.  (yes, that happened once, too) All the alarms going off.  I realized, she was right.  Don't we all have lives that are just one block of time after another?  Things coming up on our calendars.  Family parties or events. Doctors appointments. Between my mom, Jack and I we had 15 various kinds of appointments in March.  That block of time went by fast.   Vacations. Except in 2020.  Come to think of it, 2020 and early 2021 has been one big long, continuous block of time.
As for our most recent block of time that we had to survive from our shots, Jack and I had a lot of symptoms on Saturday.  We both had headaches, fever, chills, sore arms. fatigue.  We both survived though.  He woke up Sunday "feeling great".  I could have smacked him, because I did not.  I felt better, but no where near great.  I didn't start really feeling better until Monday evening. Today - Tuesday - I still have a very itchy arm.  Not as sore, but itchy.  And a bit of a "tight" head.  But, overall, I'm feeling much better.  I'm probably lingering more since midway between the first shot and the second, I got the delayed "Covid arm".  Redness, hot, tender to the touch and very itchy.  This came on about day 13 and lasted about 5 days.  My research shows that this seems to follow the Moderna vaccine, which is what we got.  Jack did not get Covid arm, just me.  Lucky me.  That only meant that I should have the second shot in the other arm.  I did.  So now I'm pretty sure that eventually BOTH arms will fall off.  I hope this isn't my last blog, since typing without arms would be difficult.
But, I digress, as usual.   So, I'll digress again.  As for learning that things never really settle down, this has taught be to stay ahead of the game.  Something always pops up on an empty calendar.  So I try to stay ahead.  Especially with the things that I know will just keep coming.  Such as the mail.  Deal with it each day.  Here's a helpful hint from Gail: open it next to the trash can since that's where most of it goes anyway. As for the part that doesn't make the trash can, deal with it right away.  File it, record it, stack in the "to pay" file, whatever works just deal with it at that time.  Same with e-mails.  Check daily, (there's a trash can right there, too) and deal with or respond to the rest.   Laundry.  Stay as ahead of that as you can because it will keep coming no matter what.  Clean the kitchen?  I tend to take my friend Beth's approach on that one.  There's really no need to clean the kitchen more than once a day.  But, I do try to clean it up for sure, once a day.  Sometimes all that gets behind.  Sometimes that can't be helped.  But when I can stay ahead, I try to.  Some people look at me and think I'm very organized.  Little do they know this is really just a character flaw for someone who can't function at all when overwhelmed. And I do mean sit in a chair with a dazed look on my face - overwhelmed.
But back to those pesky blocks of time that we all trudge through.  Such as our busy appointment filled March.  Because of that, March seemed to come and go fast.  And it just proves that even though our blocks of time can seem like mountains that we have to conquer, let's not forget to enjoy the journey.  Let's not try to hurry it all along and just get past the next block of time.  Stack your blocks wisely.