Changes

David Bowie once sang about "ch-ch-ch-changes". Stevie Nicks sang about a "landslide". Roberta Flack said someone was "killing me softly with his song".

Welcome to my world.  Suddenly I find that there are so many changes coming and going.  Changes are here and I've been a little anxious lately about it all.

A major new relationship is coming into my life at the end of the summer.  I pray that person arrives safe and healthy.  I can only hope and pray that she and I will have a deep friendship along with my already deep love for her.  If our relationship is even a small percentage of a similar relationship that I was born into, then it will be marvelous.  That of a paternal grandmother and granddaughter.  I've been on the receiving end of that unconditional love.  That example of tenacity, loyalty, how to survive heartache and heartbreak.  How to enjoy and be grateful for all that God gives you.  Her heartaches were large and her worldly goods were few.  But she knew how to love beyond measure and was one of the greatest of examples of faith that I've ever known. That bears repeating... above all faith.  If only someday this new little person in my life can look back from my viewpoint and say it was one of the best relationships in her life; I will be forever blessed. That's all I can hope for.  I'm just afraid I don't know how to do the other part in all that.  All I can do is try hard to remember the example set before me and do what I can to be that example.  I'm afraid I will fail a bit.  Those standards are very high.  "Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?  Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

Another set of family dynamics is changing.  Or rather "ch-ch-ch-changing." Someone who was in my life in my childhood is returning to live close-by once again.  She understands the relationship above, because she too, was a grand recipient of that love. Maybe she's coming back into my everyday life to remind me of that great example she and I shared. She will keep me focused on the history of family, of the love, of the friendships that develop within a family - large or small.  She'll add a new layer of dynamics to my everyday and hopefully remind me how to be an exemplary female role model. The groundwork has been laid for this person to become one of my closest friends and confidants once again.  I think all will be great.  But it is still a major shift in my day to day life.  A major change to the dynamics of other relationships in my life. Along with her, there will be two other people, maybe more, that will likely become a part of our family gatherings and events as well.  More new people to navigate.  I believe back in March I mentioned on this blog that it is sometimes a challenge to navigate people.  "Turn and face the ch-ch-ch-changes."

Then there's Stevie Nicks... reminding me that "children get older, I'm getting older, too."   One of the little boys that I've loved and will always love is heading towards full teenager-hood. "And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes..... killing me softly with his song."  Where did that little boy go?  Where did MY little boy go.  When AJ was heading towards adulthood, I realized the little boy was gone. That adorable, exuberant child was gone forever.  I fell into a period of mourning. I fell into a landslide for a while.  Of course, there was a lot going on with me then, too.  I realized then that puberty and menopause did not belong in the same household.  But, there it was.  And we managed to come out on the other side unscathed.  For the most part anyway.  And I'm proud of the man he has become.  Still some Sanson roughness sprinkled with a lot of Leefers humor. And funneled in with the German stubbornness and family loyalty and love from both sides.  He is heading into his own new relationship as a daddy.  Thankfully he had the best example there.  And from the sidelines, while I watch the changes in his life, I will watch another little boy become a wonderful young man. Followed closely behind by his brother and cousin.  All this as 2 little boys on one side of our family are already blasting into childhood and on the other side, one more little boy and one little girl will come into our lives to remind us of the cycles of life.  Here we go again. 

All these changes come when I'm still learning to build relationships with a few new people who've come into our life in the past few years.  I'm still navigating new relationships. So, you see, there's a lot going on.  A lot of changes and landslides that are killing me softly.  Anxiety returns.  We humans don't do change well and yet it's one of the things we can count on the most. 

We've been in this house nearly 14 years.  We were in the house in Conyers for 17 years.  Those 17 years seemed to be such a huge part of our lives.  It seems like we lived there forever.  Yet, in that time AJ went from 3 to 20 in the blink of an eye.  Only 17 years.  But, it seems like these 14 years here have flown by so fast.  I need things to slow down a bit.  Somehow all those numbers keep adding up and suddenly Denny's Restaurants and a few other places consider me to be a Senior Citizen.  In just over a year, the federal government will label me a Senior with a new health care plan and card to carry.  The red, white and blue one that says "this is it".  This is the last phase of healthcare for you. "Time makes you bolder, children get older, I'm getting older too."

I'm going to do all I can to enjoy each and every day.  Come out of the Covid cocoon. Live each day with a plan.  Even if that plan is - today I rest. I hope to always love everyone around me with patience and understanding.  No judging. I want to nurture all these new and old relationships and friendships. I will enjoy all their quirks and pray that they will tolerate mine. Thank you, God for all these changes.  For the young and the old in my life.  For the new and the departed.  The landslides of my heart.