Conversations with Carter

On Tuesday's my brother Paul and I have lunch at mom's house.  We both bring our sandwiches, but we tend to dig into her M&M bowl after.   Sometimes she has real desserts!
For the past 2 & 1/2 years, during the Pandemic and to this day, I then take her shopping list and mine and get groceries.  There are a few people at Walmart who know when they see me, it's Tuesday.  With 2 lists in my hands, I tend to do a lot of circles around the aisles.

Paul started lunching with my parents one day a week many years ago when he worked in Carlinville.  Once I moved and began working, I eventually started going there for lunch on Tuesday's as well.  Paul had stopped when his Carlinville job stopped, but eventually rejoined the fun.  The past 2 summers, his grandson, Carter joins him.  Carter will be 12 in just a couple of weeks.  He apparently really enjoys his Tuesday lunches in the summer with PawPaw, Gigi and Great Grandma.  Although, he's not happy at all when the Subway people put mayo on his turkey sandwich!!

This past Tuesday, Carter was especially talkative, even though he usually wakes up just minutes before PawPaw picks him up.  Somehow this past Tuesday, the conversation turned to Carter's potential adult life.  What would he do for a job?  I've always told him he could be a preacher.  He has the kindest soul and the most generous and caring heart. And, quite frankly has better moral standards than most adults I know.  But, no, he doesn't think the preacher's life is for him.  He's not too sure about college either.  Even though he has been an honor roll child for years and any college would be happy to have him.  Of course, I pointed out that trade school is good, too.  After all, I know I've paid a bundle over the years to tradesmen.  Plumbers, mechanics, electricians, roof guys, tree guys, etc.  He's not sure about that either.  But, he is sure that his older brother Landon will be a soccer player.  Since Carter had already done the math in his head that day about just how old I'll be in a couple of months,  (2022 minus 19??)  I suggested he could be an accountant and that his brother would need someone to help manage the millions he'll make playing soccer.  Oh, and when that happens, don't forget to take care of your sweet Aunt Gigi who suggested that line of work.  None of those things really appealed to Carter.  I'm perfectly happy with that.  I see no reason why a 12 year old should be deciding his future already anyway.  But it was a fun conversation. 
AJ Sanson did not play for the St. Louis Cardinals, as was his plan around the age of 12. AJ's college degree is in Mass Communications - Print and Electronic Journalism.  I know he would be amazing at that, but he is equally amazing as a Territory Manager for Georgia Pacific.  He tends to like sales.  
Jack studied history in his year & half of college before Uncle Sam said, "We want you."  I studied elementary education in my year & half of college.  I suppose I ultimately came closer than he did to my education.  But, sitting on the sidelines of the education world as I did for many years, I was very glad to take a support role and not have to deal with all that teachers deal with these days.  They had plenty enough to deal with back when I started working on the side in 1995. It hasn't gotten any better.  My sideline education jobs were like being the grandparent.  I could have a lot of fun with the kids, then send them back to the classroom and not deal with the day to day stuff.  
I know in my heart that Carter, Landon and all the little ones in our life will find their own path.  They will change directions many times before they settle in.  Very few people find a passion at a young age and follow through with it.  But, God leads them on the path they are supposed to be on.  
The other aspect of Carter's adult life that we discussed was - would there be a Mrs. Carter.  Well, he's not sure about that either.  Yes, probably.  So I told him that was completely up to him as well.  I shared the speech.  When I worked at Carlinville High School, the ladies in the office loved to hear my "AJ speech".  My thoughts on AJ and his future love life - this was before Abby was in the picture at all.  I shared this with Carter and told him what I always said about AJ applies to him as well.   

"Get married or not, that is HIS choice.  Not my choice at all. It doesn't matter to me.  I was never one of those mothers who was pushing for him to marry.  I don't have the right to do that.  HIS LIFE.  Have a child or not.  Again, his choice, not mine.  I was never one of those people who was pushing to have a grandchild.  Not my choice to make and again, I don't have the right to tell him that.  BUT.... I have one suggestion.  IF he wanted to have a child, he should have a wife.  Not a girlfriend.  Not a baby-mama.  A wife.  Of course, that was only a suggestion.  I can't really mandate that."

(Carter knew enough to point out to me that you don't have to have a wife to have a child.  I pointed out that, no... people don't, but YOU DO.  AJ did, too.  I suppose I tried to make that a mandate.)  

"BUT.. I did have one rule.  A non-breakable rule and Carter must follow it as well.  This "wife"... CANNOT be a Cub fan or a Blackhawk's fan."

I mean, My Lord, can you imagine some woman putting Jack Sanson's grandchild in a Cubs or Blackhawk's shirt???  That wouldn't be good for anyone.  If I was mandating all this today, I'd include the Predators.  I really don't like them - a lot.

Thankfully, AJ complied with all and did very well.  Abby is not only a life-long Cardinal fan, but she has no desire to move from the St. Louis area. But, I realize that God will either keep them on that path or lead them in another direction.  And as I've always done... I'll trust Him. 
AJ is teaching Abby the joys of being a hockey fan and she's done well with that, too.

Carter felt that he, too, could comply with all that.  But, again, as any 12 year old should.. he doesn't really know his plans yet.  I guess he hasn't met "the one".  If he's on the AJ plan, he has 18 years to go before he meets her. 

I'm so grateful for Carter's wisdom already beyond his years.  Blessed with him, his brother, and all my other little ones in my life - my great nephews and great nieces, the 2 great grand nephews and especially our sweet Reilly.  I pray everyday that they all find their path in life.  Their passion and their joy.  And that they surround themselves with wonderful, supportive friends and perhaps a life partner and family of their own.  

I will always be their biggest cheerleader.  They will always have my love.  

Grief, despair, but God. Always God.

When I was a teenager, my uncle died suddenly at the age of 51.  If you remember much from my past posts about my dad's family, you'll remember that my grandfather died in 1934.  At the time, this uncle was oldest child at the age of 12.  My dad was nearly 5 and there were 3 other children in between.  This uncle became the family patriarch at a young age.  He was my grandma's solid rock.  Everyone's hero.  Then one night, he didn't feel well.  He got up from bed and sat in his chair.  In that chair, his heart stopped.  It was devastating for everyone.  Especially my grandma.  As the adults said at the time, they didn't think she'd ever stop crying that day.  She did, but I think she also stopped living. She could laugh and smile easily.  But, I don't know if she ever did after that.  Her heart was so broken that a few months later she suffered a stroke.  Then some other medical downhill slides.  Just over a year after his death, she suffered, but survived a heart attack of her own.  She spent the last months in bed, and then her heart stopped, too.  
Out of these sad things came a life lesson for me.  I remember the adults talking after all this had transpired.  They didn't know which was worse.  Losing someone suddenly or watching someone you love slowly deteriorate and suffer.  Of course, we all know the answer now.  Both situations have their tragedies and their blessings.  
It's obvious that the biggest tragedy in either scenario is the age of the person.  Young people aren't supposed to die.  I remember going to a funeral of a friend who passed from cancer and telling her sweet mother who I'd known since childhood, "It isn't suppose to work like this.  Mama's aren't supposed to bury their babies."  She looked at me with tremendous gratitude and said "No, it's not, and thank you."  It felt good for me to acknowledge that for her.  Everyone else was sad and giving condolences, but overstating the obvious sometimes is just what a person needs.
So, yes, the tragedies are obvious sometimes.  But, the blessings.  Those are harder to find.  Sometimes there just aren't any visible blessings and sometimes that's when we need our faith more than anything.  Especially in a sudden passing.  That's when we really just have to believe this was God's plan.  And the only time you may finally see the blessing in it, is the next time you see someone you love suffer in death.  We realize only then that the sudden death of our loved one was truly a blessing for them. And when a loved one is at peace, it has to be a comfort for us.  
When someone is ill and slowly withering away, we find ourselves in prayer often.  For them and for their loved ones.  For the doctors, nurses and caregivers.  I once had another friend with one of those "bad" cancers.  We prayed for his health.  For remission.  For a cure.  But, I also knew that eventually we would pray for him to have peace.  And we did.  And he did.  Then we turned our prayers to ask for the comfort and peace for the family.  The blessing in the slow death is that it just brings us all closer to God. Smaller blessings when we see that they rallied just enough to wait for one of their loved ones to travel to their side.  Or, sometimes to just come and say good-bye so then the peace can come for all.  Or after a year of ups and downs the blessing is that in the end, you know it's time and you find your greatest blessing in all of it.  You were the one holding their hand at the end. Maybe you find yourself trying to pray for Jesus to come to the room.  Maybe the words aren't coming to you and you realize later, it was because Jesus was already there.  Not that I'd know all that first hand.
Slow deaths can bring the blessing of relief for all.  An acceptance that God's will be done. It's harder to accept God's will in a sudden death.  But, it's there, just the same.   

Hard times without death will bring us closer to God, too.  I won't say when, but not so very long ago I was at the bottom.  Tears all day, everyday.  Not really caring if I lived or died.  I don't tell you that to scare you.  I never once thought of hastening my end, but I just wouldn't have cared.  I prayed a lot for the situation.  Then, I'd cry.  Then, I'd be so exhausted I'd rest.  Then start all over.  It was the most difficult time in my life.  (so far).  I think one thing that gives us all hope is in hoping our best days and times are still ahead.  But, there may be a fear that the worst times are not behind you, but also ahead.  

After a few months, I realized the person who had been hurt most in the situation that caused me such despair, had already forgiven others. I knew I had to take her strength and try to forgive, too.  And, there was Jack.  The love of my life.  Lost as he could be during those times I realized he didn't deserve to come home and find me so distraught everyday.  So, I pulled myself up.  With the help of my prayer books, my Bible, a wonderful circle of friends and family, and my enormous love for this guy.  I thanked God for him everyday.  I still do. My rock bottom brought me closer to trusting in Our Lord.  There has been some peace for me.

But, I'm not fully cooked yet. I realized not too long ago, that since that time, I haven't allowed myself to shed tears of sadness.  My fear is if I start, or give in to that, I won't have the strength to stop again.  Yes, I know I don't need my own strength if I rely on God's strength.  But, I think I've used up way more of His time than I'm allotted.  Even though I know first hand, the love and devotion to a child never ends. Never. Thank you, God. Thank you for Your Son Who taught us to love and forgive. I'm still working on the forgive part, and lately, some friends of mine and I have all needed that unending love, strength and hope.

"I take a lot of Your time, when I should be strong.  I should be standing by now, but it's You I'm leaning on." 
        -- Won't You Hold Me While I Cry by Karen Peck

I tell you all this to leave you with one thought.  How many really bad days have you had?  How many devastating times have there been for you?  
And, how many did you survive?

Give yourself a gift today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhdD1C_wVy8