Grief, despair, but God. Always God.

When I was a teenager, my uncle died suddenly at the age of 51.  If you remember much from my past posts about my dad's family, you'll remember that my grandfather died in 1934.  At the time, this uncle was oldest child at the age of 12.  My dad was nearly 5 and there were 3 other children in between.  This uncle became the family patriarch at a young age.  He was my grandma's solid rock.  Everyone's hero.  Then one night, he didn't feel well.  He got up from bed and sat in his chair.  In that chair, his heart stopped.  It was devastating for everyone.  Especially my grandma.  As the adults said at the time, they didn't think she'd ever stop crying that day.  She did, but I think she also stopped living. She could laugh and smile easily.  But, I don't know if she ever did after that.  Her heart was so broken that a few months later she suffered a stroke.  Then some other medical downhill slides.  Just over a year after his death, she suffered, but survived a heart attack of her own.  She spent the last months in bed, and then her heart stopped, too.  
Out of these sad things came a life lesson for me.  I remember the adults talking after all this had transpired.  They didn't know which was worse.  Losing someone suddenly or watching someone you love slowly deteriorate and suffer.  Of course, we all know the answer now.  Both situations have their tragedies and their blessings.  
It's obvious that the biggest tragedy in either scenario is the age of the person.  Young people aren't supposed to die.  I remember going to a funeral of a friend who passed from cancer and telling her sweet mother who I'd known since childhood, "It isn't suppose to work like this.  Mama's aren't supposed to bury their babies."  She looked at me with tremendous gratitude and said "No, it's not, and thank you."  It felt good for me to acknowledge that for her.  Everyone else was sad and giving condolences, but overstating the obvious sometimes is just what a person needs.
So, yes, the tragedies are obvious sometimes.  But, the blessings.  Those are harder to find.  Sometimes there just aren't any visible blessings and sometimes that's when we need our faith more than anything.  Especially in a sudden passing.  That's when we really just have to believe this was God's plan.  And the only time you may finally see the blessing in it, is the next time you see someone you love suffer in death.  We realize only then that the sudden death of our loved one was truly a blessing for them. And when a loved one is at peace, it has to be a comfort for us.  
When someone is ill and slowly withering away, we find ourselves in prayer often.  For them and for their loved ones.  For the doctors, nurses and caregivers.  I once had another friend with one of those "bad" cancers.  We prayed for his health.  For remission.  For a cure.  But, I also knew that eventually we would pray for him to have peace.  And we did.  And he did.  Then we turned our prayers to ask for the comfort and peace for the family.  The blessing in the slow death is that it just brings us all closer to God. Smaller blessings when we see that they rallied just enough to wait for one of their loved ones to travel to their side.  Or, sometimes to just come and say good-bye so then the peace can come for all.  Or after a year of ups and downs the blessing is that in the end, you know it's time and you find your greatest blessing in all of it.  You were the one holding their hand at the end. Maybe you find yourself trying to pray for Jesus to come to the room.  Maybe the words aren't coming to you and you realize later, it was because Jesus was already there.  Not that I'd know all that first hand.
Slow deaths can bring the blessing of relief for all.  An acceptance that God's will be done. It's harder to accept God's will in a sudden death.  But, it's there, just the same.   

Hard times without death will bring us closer to God, too.  I won't say when, but not so very long ago I was at the bottom.  Tears all day, everyday.  Not really caring if I lived or died.  I don't tell you that to scare you.  I never once thought of hastening my end, but I just wouldn't have cared.  I prayed a lot for the situation.  Then, I'd cry.  Then, I'd be so exhausted I'd rest.  Then start all over.  It was the most difficult time in my life.  (so far).  I think one thing that gives us all hope is in hoping our best days and times are still ahead.  But, there may be a fear that the worst times are not behind you, but also ahead.  

After a few months, I realized the person who had been hurt most in the situation that caused me such despair, had already forgiven others. I knew I had to take her strength and try to forgive, too.  And, there was Jack.  The love of my life.  Lost as he could be during those times I realized he didn't deserve to come home and find me so distraught everyday.  So, I pulled myself up.  With the help of my prayer books, my Bible, a wonderful circle of friends and family, and my enormous love for this guy.  I thanked God for him everyday.  I still do. My rock bottom brought me closer to trusting in Our Lord.  There has been some peace for me.

But, I'm not fully cooked yet. I realized not too long ago, that since that time, I haven't allowed myself to shed tears of sadness.  My fear is if I start, or give in to that, I won't have the strength to stop again.  Yes, I know I don't need my own strength if I rely on God's strength.  But, I think I've used up way more of His time than I'm allotted.  Even though I know first hand, the love and devotion to a child never ends. Never. Thank you, God. Thank you for Your Son Who taught us to love and forgive. I'm still working on the forgive part, and lately, some friends of mine and I have all needed that unending love, strength and hope.

"I take a lot of Your time, when I should be strong.  I should be standing by now, but it's You I'm leaning on." 
        -- Won't You Hold Me While I Cry by Karen Peck

I tell you all this to leave you with one thought.  How many really bad days have you had?  How many devastating times have there been for you?  
And, how many did you survive?

Give yourself a gift today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhdD1C_wVy8