Navigating People

Relationships are hard.  Navigating people is always a challenge.
I'm in my 6th decade and I'm still learning how to deal with so many personalities, including my own.  I try to always say the right thing when interacting with other humans. Sometimes, I think I'd do better to say nothing.  But that's not my nature. So I suppose sometimes I just screw it up. 
We all have thousands of people we know and have met.  Some we've parted ways with (see last post) and many are still in our lives.  Old and current neighbors.  Old and current co-workers.  Friends, both old and new, short term and long term.  Those who are close and those better described as acquaintances.  Then, there's the big one.. family.  Old, young, new to the family circle, those who have been in our lives all of our lives, immediate family, extended family and those we describe as "shirt-tail" relatives.  Immediate family. What is the immediate family?  Are there just the 3 of us?  Now the 4 of us?  With Ella, the granddog, that makes 5 of us.  And soon to be 6 of us.  No.  That's not where I stop.  My definition of immediate family expands just a bit more.  It starts with the soon to be 6 of us, but by my definition, it also includes my mom, 3 brothers and their wives, their children, their grandchildren and their great grandchildren.  Then I'd have to add Abby's parents, sister, brother-in-law and nephew.  Not to mention her two grandmas. Add a few close friends and in my mind, these are the people that make up our immediate family.  No less. 
As for extended family, that would include cousins of all degrees, from 1st cousins to however far I can count - usually about 4th or 5th cousins.  Then there's the cousin once removed, or cousin twice removed groups.  The "shirt-tail" relatives are people who may be related to someone I'm related to.  Or they may be on the family tree, but way past those 5th cousins once removed.  
Okay, so I digress a bit from the topic of "navigating people" to define those that are my people.  But, all of them, each and everyone of the above people, neighbors, co-workers, friends and family come to us with a different story.  A different set of memories, life experiences, social and economic differences.  Some are loud and boisterous.  Some are quiet and shy.  Some have a sense of humor and some, well, not so much. Some like adventure and taking risks, some prefer the comfort of their safe place at home.  They come with as many different opinions as there are things to have an opinion about.  And, yet, we must do all we can in our communications and interactions with them to adapt and keep the relationships cordial and friendly.  And in that well defined immediate family group, we especially must do all we can to maintain a loving relationship full of mutual respect.  We must try to show understanding of who they are. Sprinkle that with kindness and some tolerance.  Sometimes to do that, we just have to keep our mouths shut.  Whew, that one is hard for me!  When it comes to family communication and dynamics, many have heard me say this:  "The reason families that get along so well, do get along so well, is because everyone in the family will all get to take a turn at just keeping their mouth shut."  I am sure my family has had to do that for me, and I've already mentioned that keeping my mouth shut is hard for me, but I can do it. I have done it. Sorry for past things I've said and sorry for future things I will say.  There, that covers it.  But, make no mistake - anything I say or have said in the past was never, ever, ever meant to hurt, harm or undermine.  Chattiness may be my nature, but unkindness is not.  If you know me well, you must know that one of my top priorities in dealing with other people is that I want no one, repeat that, NO ONE, to feel uncomfortable in my presence and especially in my home.  NO ONE. 

Speaking of uncomfortable, I'm not fond of that feeling when I think that I must walk on eggshells with someone.  You know the type, don't say anything that could upset them.  Don't rock that boat.  Don't say anything that may be construed by them as offensive. These are usually the kind of people who find everything offensive.  As I said, I don't mean to harm or hurt someone with my words.  That's not in my nature.  But, if I have to walk on eggshells with someone, it makes the relationship so much harder for me.  I can't do that anymore. All I can be is me.  Sorry.  The issue is usually their own insecurities anyway.  I can't fix that. Lord knows I have plenty of my own to deal with.  

One of the things that I need to work on, and something that I've already tried to work on, is to not be so judgmental of people. I'll especially try not to judge those "eggshell" people in the preceding paragraph.  As I said, everyone comes to the table with their own stuff.  Their own history and truths. These are the things that make them who they are.  So I'll do all I can to let them be who they are and try not to judge their quirks.  And hope they are more accepting of mine. I know 2 people in my life that I consider to be the most non-judgmental people I've ever met.  I want to be more like them.  But, here's the thing: I'm Christian enough to know that it is not my place to judge you. But, I'm also human enough to still have an opinion of you. But, I'll try to consider where you are coming from.  I'll try to understand that something in your history and memories make you who you are. Just like the girl in the mirror.  One thing I notice is she's not much of a "girl" anymore.  And, she's not the sharpest pencil in the pack sometimes either.  As she ages more and more each day, I just hope she gets wiser each day.

Navigating people is very complex.  Navigating the girl in the mirror is even harder.

Have a nice life.

First order of business.  I appreciate those who have left comments on this blog.  I enjoy the feedback.  But, this program does not identify you to me at all.  So please, sign your comments for me.  I understand if you'd still rather remain anonymous, but if not, even a first name will probably be enough for me.  Thanks.

Wow.  It's been a long time since I blogged.  I want you to know that while it's maybe been a while, it's not like I don't have any thoughts in my head.  Occasionally I still have casual and/or bizarre observations of life.  It's just that sometimes if I shared the things I think about, you would call for the white coats to come and carry me away.  Sometimes what I think about is too private for me to share or it's someone else's information that I shouldn't share.  So I don't.  Yes, I know, right?  I'M keeping quiet.  I could have a stroke if I keep this up.
Many times it's simply because of my vow to keep my political views and commentary to myself.  Oh, Jack and I talk about these things sometimes.   We are not a case of opposites attracting.  We pretty much agree on politics and such.  But others don't agree, so I avoid controversy.

I recently was reminded of my days with Karmak Software.  We would travel to other cities and install computer systems and then stay a while to get the customer up and running.  My job was to train the employees, especially those who worked at the point of sale in these businesses and in the accounting and inventory departments.  Inventory control was my specialty.  Surprised?
We'd spend anywhere from a few days to a whole week with these people.  We'd work with them.  Eat lunch with them.  Sometimes we'd have both lunch and supper with them.  And as with anyone you spend much time with, we'd have conversations about family and life.  In other words, we'd get to know them well and even became privy to their current life situations.  Especially the upper management as that's who we would usually have those lunches and suppers with.  At the end of our week together it would be time for us to go.  We would probably still talk with them on the phone occasionally, but for the most part, our job in their presence and workplace was done.  We would most likely never see them in person again.  At least I wouldn't. Towards the end of my time with Karmak, as I knew I'd soon be marrying Jack and moving to Peoria, I especially knew I'd never see these people again.  My standard goodbye to them was simple.  As we left, I'd tell them to "Have a nice life."
Where did that come from? 
Many of you know I spent a year and a half at Blackburn College.  When I finally decided it wasn't for me, I left at the end of the fall semester in 1976.  As I attended some of my last classes, took my exams and tried to at least finish a bit strong, I'd bump into people that I knew and had spent time with in my year+.  For many of them, I knew that most likely, once I left school, we wouldn't stay in touch. I remember telling one acquaintance that I was not coming back the next semester.  She was a bit surprised by that, didn't seem to know what to say and finally just said... "Well, have a good life."  I think I giggled and said, "Yes, you too!"
We've all had people who come and go in our lives.  Sometimes we don't know it's the last time we'll see them, or that it's the last conversation we'll have with them.  But, when I do realize that a conversation or encounter could very likely be the last time I'll see them, I always remember to tell them "have a nice life."
Some people who received that "goodbye" from me in my Karmak days and many people who receive it from me now, usually look at me with stunned surprise.  Most of them, once they realize the truth of the situation will wish the same right back to me.
So the next time you are traveling to a place you know you'll never be again, and you've had great tour guide, or when the nice person who rings up your purchase at the souvenir shop is finished with the transaction, or you've just met and had friendly conversations with some fellow travelers - okay even if they are not so great, nice or friendly - just be sure to  encourage them to "Have a nice life".
Maybe this could be the start of a kindness revolution.  Wishing everyone well even if you don't know them by name.  Maybe the pleasant surprise and good feelings they get will encourage them to pay it forward.  Pass along the well wishes.  We could start a movement... just like the "Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacree and Movement." 
So from now on when you have situations like this, either tell them they can get anything they want at Alice's Restaurant, or just tell them to "Have a Nice Life."

Note to the uniformed and/or younger folks - you can YouTube Alice's Restaurant.