Over the past several weeks I've found myself in a lot of personal interactions with many people or groups of people in several different situations and arenas. I have found the best way to be kind sometimes is to just keep my mouth shut. As I've said many times before... the reason families that get along well, do so, is because everyone in the family gets to take a turn at just keeping their mouth shut. I'm sure many people keep their mouths shut around me and I have to say I appreciate that.
I was sharing some relationship drama with my other friend, who happens to be someone I share a lot of things with. I told her that there are a few people out there who have benefitted by me not saying what I really want to say sometimes in the moment. There are a few folks who should be glad that it goes against my nature and my inner soul to be mean to people. Even when they really deserve it. And, I should also say that I really don't know if it's fair to say they "benefitted" by me keeping my mouth shut, or that they "should be glad." I mean, what do they really care? That puts way too much emphasis on my place in their life. I believe I'm humble enough to think a lot of people could get by without me in their life or my opinions on anything. I just don't know how else to say that it's probably good for everyone, especially me, that the thoughts in my head don't come out of my mouth. Sometimes. So I suppose who really is glad that I don't have that mean fiber running through my veins is me. It really does feel better. Of course, it doesn't help that I usually think of the perfect comeback much later anyway. My hindsight being 20/20. But the fact is I know if I had said something snarky in the moment I wouldn't feel good about it then or later. I even shared with my friend during this conversation that when I find myself really wanting to put someone in their place sometimes the thought that prevents that is knowing that is not how God would want me to be. I think she was quite impressed with that comment. But it's true. That is where my mind goes.
I find this all rather ironic when sometimes someone who really considers themselves to be Christian right to the core, is sometimes the one who will say the snarkiest thing. I shared something with my friend that one of these people recently said and her response was something like, "not exactly a Christian thing to say was it?" My immediate response to her saying that: "There it is! Exactly what I thought." Yes, I know, we shouldn't be gossiping, but sometimes I just need someone to tell me that my thoughts and interpretation of something is accurate. It's not like I'm spewing it all over the neighborhood. Just confiding in one very trusted friend. I have a few of those. I think because I've been through a lot of interactions lately, and had this and other conversations with 2 of my most trusted confidants about such things, that I felt this blog coming on. And, then, there it was - on FaceBook this morning. The truth is, being kind really does feel better.
I believe I shared in a post recently that while it's not my place to judge someone, it doesn't prevent me from forming an opinion of them. I am, after all, human. But, I still treat them with kindness. Even if they have a history of not doing the same to me sometimes. Treating them badly or rudely would be very uncomfortable and I don't like anyone in my presence to feel uncomfortable about anything. And I especially wouldn't want to be the one that brings on that uncomfortableness. I also am working very hard at forming my opinions not on what I "hear" about someone, but from what I've experienced and seen for myself. I think we should all do that. And we should consider this... maybe, just maybe someone screws up and does something they shouldn't. Something questionable. Or says something they shouldn't. But prior to that one mess up, did they get 1000 things right? Which is their true character? We all make mistakes. We all get it wrong sometimes. I'm not throwing the first stone.
I also shared in my conversation with my friend that I suppose I'm very lucky. I can't think of anyone who has treated me so badly or rudely that they don't deserve my respect on some level or my kindness. Okay, there were a couple back in Georgia, but they are no longer in my life. And in those days rather than treating them so harshly in return, I just kept my distance and since both were in the work environment, I only dealt with them when absolutely necessary. And in the end, I gained the respect of a lot more people than they did. I'm not keeping score, but what goes around, really does come around. There was one person in Carlinville that wasn't always so kind and stole my self esteem for a while. But, a few years later when I saw this person with an obvious health issue, I told my friend that I actually felt bad for them and that I didn't understand why I would ever feel any concern for that person. She reminded me that I am a human with a beating heart and a lot of compassion. Okay, I suppose so, but I still don't plan to attempt a return to any sort of a relationship with this person. As a wise woman once said, sometimes a person just needs a good "leaving alone." Yep, I can do that - forever if I have to.
In family and friendships I find that others within those groups may have a different opinion of someone than what I do. That's only because we come from different angles and have had different experiences with them. I won't tell you your opinion of them is wrong, so don't tell me that mine is. It's mine. It's my history of them and I can forgive but not forget some things. I will be cordial. Friendly. Kind. But, I will also proceed with caution because of that history. As Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them." Being kind to people does feel better. But being smart and cautious towards some of them - feels better, too.
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